Old Man Mc Drake, let me ask your professional opinion: Lady Gaga, Would You Hit That? I mean, I think she’s pretty fine looking myself, but I wanted a professional opinion.
Wondering in Washington

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Mr. McDrake, I have a problem. A friend of mine keeps insisting we go vacation with him in his lake house. The problem is his lake house is a collapsing dilapidated run down shack next to a part of the lake that’s infested with bugs. The truth is, it’s a miserable place, and a vacation spent here would actually be a nightmare. I don’t want to offend this guy, What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?
Troubled in Texarkana. (continue reading…)

Good evening assholes! My name is Ttam. For those who don’t know, I’m socially disabled and I can’t judge what is socially accepted very well. I use a Tron suit to get around because I feel so much cooler than half of the people that are running around downtown. Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with a bunch of people who think it is in some way funny to screw around with my Tron suit. Before I start chewing them out, I have to get this off my chest. The very fact that I’ve dealt with this crap long enough for me to get off my usually lazy ass and type up a rant for drakegta.com is to be frank, seriously disturbing. That means that there are enough people who can’t respect personal property in the world to cause me to type this up and pray that it meets Darian rake’s standards. There are no words in any human language that can adequately convey the degree to which this pisses me off. All of this shit should be common sense. Since it isn’t, I’ll start with the basics. A Tron suit is a fashion device. It isn’t a toy and I do not like people messing around with it. Before you start acting like my mother and say “They’re just playing around,” please read the next few lines very closely. In addition to the fact that I absolutely NEED it to look cool, a Tron suit is expensive as holy hell. A new one can cost about as much as a used fucking car. Repairs can often cost thousands of dollars. If you think it is funny to fuck around with Tron suits, get off your ass and buy your own. If you can’t afford it here are some basic rules. (continue reading…)

Mr. McDrake, the most important relationship in my life, with the most amazing woman I have ever met has recently ended. I don’t know what I should do, all my friends tell me that “there are plenty of other fish in the sea,” and I should “just get the fuck over it,” but I find myself alone and hurting. I know it does me no good to dwell on it, but I can’t get over her. I think about her all the time, and everything reminds me of her. I am not some crybaby emo kid, I am just seriously hurting here, some people are suggesting I see a professional, what should I do? – Alone in Alabama (continue reading…)

Dearest McDrake, I have a slight problem. I have been dating this blond bird for several months and we have recently moved into the same flat. She is smokin hot right, but she never dresses as she should. Last week, we were supposed to meet my parents for the first time, but she insisted on wearing a spaghetti strap top with no bra and a short skirt with no underwear. I told her this wasn’t appropriate attire to wear when meeting my parents, this started a fight, and we ended up not going. I don’t know what to do, she dresses like this everywhere she goes. – Embarrassed in Essex (continue reading…)

You know what we’ve been missing here at drakegta.com? Talent, well, talent, and an advice columnist. So in order to fill this gap, we have recruited the most sought after advise columnist on the face of the earth, a man sought after by authorities in twenty-eight states and four municipalities, Old Man McDrake. Old Man McDrake is a wise and wizened old man, full of wisdom. Because we realize that the vast majority of people are mindless sheep, who can’t make decisions for themselves, we now offer that service for you.

Old Man McDrake will be doing our new columns, “AOMM: Ask Old Man McDrake” “WWOMMDD?: What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?“, and “WYHT?: Would You Hit That?”

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.

If there are two things that El Drako respects in life, it’s burritos, and Lucha Libre, however, there is one kind of person who El Drako respects most of all, Los Poquito Lucha Libres (Midget Mexican Wrestlers.) The Midget is the most noble of all God’s creations, for no other creature packs so much pride and nobility into such a small body. Yes, when you do the math, the Midget Wrestler is pound per pound, the most awesome being alive. (continue reading…)

Hey, they took another one of my Six Word Stories.

Jackson dead; Culkin unavailable for comment.