Mr. McDrake, the most important relationship in my life, with the most amazing woman I have ever met has recently ended. I don’t know what I should do, all my friends tell me that “there are plenty of other fish in the sea,” and I should “just get the fuck over it,” but I find myself alone and hurting. I know it does me no good to dwell on it, but I can’t get over her. I think about her all the time, and everything reminds me of her. I am not some crybaby emo kid, I am just seriously hurting here, some people are suggesting I see a professional, what should I do? – Alone in Alabama

Hey Alone in Alabama, I never said you were a crybaby emo kid. I realize that emotional pain is very real, and is in fact, every-bit as real as physical pain, which is in fact, not real at all, considering that pain only exists in the mind. Anyway, don’t think that emotional pain isn’t serious, it can be a full blown emergency, in which case you can call whine-one-one and ask for a wahmbulance.

Na, I’m just fucking with you, I’m not Chopper Read here to tell you to “Harden To Fuck Up.” I’m also not going to post that photo of the crying kitten that says “QQ emo boy.” Look, I am a scientist at heart, and I think your problem can be solved using some basic chemistry.

Twice daily, once in the morning upon waking, and again about lunch time, (or later if you sleep late,) take out a sheet of paper, and write, on a scale of zero to ten, how much pain you are in, zero being no pain at all, and ten being the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life. Now take the number you have, and that’s your number for the morning or your number for the afternoon. Do not attempt to leave the house in the morning, until you have had your number, in alcoholic drinks, then again at lunch, do not return to work until you have reached your number.

What kind of drink you ask? Well, don’t be a sissy, you said you weren’t some emo kid, so don’t try that “I only drink Absinthe” or “I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon” shit on me. I’d suggest you get a bottle of rot-gut whiskey, something along the lines of Evan-Williams, Ten High, or Lord Calvert, and get the big bottle, you save money when you buy in bulk.

Now, I said I was a scientist at heart, and here’s the only chemical formula you will ever need to know in your life: Take one 12 oz glass, and fill with, One part Whiskey: Two parts Coke. (That’s 8oz of Coke and 4oz of whiskey for anyone keeping score) [That's 120ml of Whiskey and 240ml of Coke for anyone keeping score using the metric system.]

You’ll feel better in no time. Now if your friends still say you need professional help, tell them you contacted a professional and he gave your a prescription, because I’m a professional (drinker,) and I’m pre-scripting you to go for it.

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.