Dearest McDrake, I have a slight problem. I have been dating this blond bird for several months and we have recently moved into the same flat. She is smokin hot right, but she never dresses as she should. Last week, we were supposed to meet my parents for the first time, but she insisted on wearing a spaghetti strap top with no bra and a short skirt with no underwear. I told her this wasn’t appropriate attire to wear when meeting my parents, this started a fight, and we ended up not going. I don’t know what to do, she dresses like this everywhere she goes. – Embarrassed in Essex

Embarrassed in Essex, first off, my name is Old Man McDrake, I’m not a deer, I’m your dear, and I’m sure not hell not your dearest uncle McDrake. I’ll have you know that I’ve been hittin’ skins like a drummer at a speed metal concert since before you were even born; so in that respect, I might very well be your daddy, but I sure the hell ain’t your uncle. You can call me Mr. McDrake from now on, I’ll let it slide this time, but next time, I may just fly down to Essex and share a bottle of scotch with you. (By share, I mean, I drink it while you watch, and then I bludgeon you with the bottle.) I’ve shared scotch with many a great men in my day.

Second off, what is your major malfunction? You have a smoking hot girlfriend who wants to walk around all day with her stuff hanging out for you; and you see this as a problem why? I mean, maybe I’m getting my stereotypes wrong, but isn’t this the uniform of Essex girls? When a girl turns thirteen in Essex, they give her a tube top, short shorts, and a health card.

I don’t think the problem here is with your girl, but with your understanding. See, young men, such as yourself, never seem to understand, there are many types of women in the world, and most of them are good for country matters, but very few of them are the type you bring home to mother. No, just enjoy your little Essex Sex Kitten while you can, and don’t worry about what other people think, because remember, you’re banging a hot chick, and they aren’t.

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.