Old Man McDrake, I am a recent convert to the vegan lifestyle, and people keep giving me crap. When I eat with family, they make fun of me. When I eat out in public, all the waiters and cooks look at me funny when I ask for vegan versions of my meals. What kind of advice do you have to for me? Maybe something witty I could tell them?
Vegan in Virginia

Well Veggy, you don’t mind if I call you Veggy do you? It’s a lifestyle choice, the key word being “choice.” If you wanted to walk around town wearing tube socks below flip-flops, people would look at you funny; and you would have to decided, which is more important, what other people think, or how you want to dress. I too have dealt with unfavorable reactions towards my lifestyle choices, for example, I like to show up at work buzzed, and be drunk by eight am, and I drive an ice cream truck; but that’s my lifestyle choice, so I don’t complain, and I carry a baseball bat behind the ice cream machine, so other people don’t complain either. People treat you differently, because, get this, you act differently. If you can’t handle the ridicule, eat meat like a normal person. Man up or go home; but either way, don’t bitch about the way people treat you when you don’t conform to their expectations.

People used to give Mahatma Gandhi shit about being a vegetarian, but no one ever gave Hitler any shit about being a vegetarian, you know why? Because of the mustache.

As for something witty to say, how about: “Fuck your complete proteins, I ain’t scared of no Kwashiorkor.”