Well Veggy, you don’t mind if I call you Veggy do you? It’s a lifestyle choice, the key word being “choice.” If you wanted to walk around town wearing tube socks below flip-flops, people would look at you funny; and you would have to decided, which is more important, what other people think, or how you want to dress. I too have dealt with unfavorable reactions towards my lifestyle choices, for example, I like to show up at work buzzed, and be drunk by eight am, and I drive an ice cream truck; but that’s my lifestyle choice, so I don’t complain, and I carry a baseball bat behind the ice cream machine, so other people don’t complain either. People treat you differently, because, get this, you act differently. If you can’t handle the ridicule, eat meat like a normal person. Man up or go home; but either way, don’t bitch about the way people treat you when you don’t conform to their expectations.

People used to give Mahatma Gandhi shit about being a vegetarian, but no one ever gave Hitler any shit about being a vegetarian, you know why? Because of the mustache.

As for something witty to say, how about: “Fuck your complete proteins, I ain’t scared of no Kwashiorkor.”

Tyler wrote:
I read the David Cross article, and I am going to have to ask you to fire the writer. I am not going to sit here and nitpick the article, because I am not a dick and I basically stopped reading when the author cited Cross being most famous for Arrested Development. I stopped reading because I actually had to stop and think of who the hell you were referring to, then upon solving that mystery, I was angered by the fact that you had completely dismissed Mr.Show. I didn’t read the rest of the article, but I skimmed over it seeing a paragraph of attempted humor aimed at Larry the Cable Guy. Then I saw you cite webcomics as intellectual humor(Now here’s where I took offense, retard who wrote the article. You call out David Cross for his “faux-intellectual liberal” humor, and then turn around and cite WEBCOMICS). This right here proves that you have a author that doesn’t get out much besides what they manage to read on the internet. Another thing in the article is the author generalizes two populations of people, and then places himself above them. Does the author has aspergers?

Dearest Tyler;
Thank you greatly for your feedback, you raised an interesting question. Does DrakeGTA have Asperger syndrome? To answer this question, I asked the man himself. When I arrived at Drake’s house, he was dressed in a bloody shower curtain curled up in a fetal position on the floor, banging his head on the wall. I asked him what his problem was, he shrugged his shoulders and said “Meh, Tuesdays.” So in answer to that question, no, I don’t think Drake has Asperger’s syndrome, because Asperger’s is described as “high functioning autiusm” and if you’ve ever known Drake, you would agree, there is nothing about him that can be described has high functioning, or even functioning.

In response to the part about Drake not getting out much, what can I say? We’re not encouraging Drake to get out much, it’s really not safe for him out here; furthermore, it’s really safer for us that he’s in there. We’re talking about a guy who thought dropping acid involved a bottle of hydrochloric acid, and did it anyway. Last time Drake had a night out, I had to sell part of my vintage pornography collection to hire AJ’s legal team to “persuade” the district attorney to drop the case, and now we’re all banned from Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theatre for life.

As for firing Drake, na; it seems to me that your major complaint is that you read the post to imply that Drake thinks that he’s both better than “faux-intellectual liberals” and Larry The Cable Guy fans. He never mentioned anything about being better than Larry The Cable Guy fans, just being better than faux-intellectual liberals; and you know what, even if he’s a mentally unstable violent registered offerner, he is better than faux-intellectual liberals who are too good to appreciate webcomics.

Sincerely,
Old Man McDrake.

Dear Broke in Brooklyn, that isn’t the way it works. I don’t know your parents, but I’m assuming they put your ass through school, and wiped your ass when you were a baby, it’s not right. Your parents deserve only the best… that India has to offer. No one can afford an American nursing home, so outsource the care of your parents to India. You know those commercials that say: “10 cents a day can feed a starving child in Africa” fuck that, starving kids in Africa can get a job, but 10 cents a day can feed a starving parent in India. Outsource that shit, your mom and pops can get their own private wing at an Indian nursing home for like $60 a month.

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Vengeful in Vancouver

Damn, Vengeful, I didn’t know they had trailer parks in Canada. *Burn* Well, first off, don’t over react, this could work out well for you; the first thing I would do, is talk to Jerry Springer, and see if maybe you can make some money off this mess. Seriously, email him at jerry.fan@nbcuni.com, I think he’d like to hear from you. The most amazing thing, this woman, left her husband and kids, and ran off with your boyfriend? What kind cunt does that? I don’t even know where to start here.

Well, to repair you relationship with your daughter- no wait, that won’t work.

Well if the husband is a nice guy then- no, that won’t work either.

I guess if the jerk ran off with your daughter- no, that’s no right.

If she’s still sending you texts she’s just doing to get attentio- no, it’s beyond that.

You know what, you win, break out with the hockey stick and go all Wayne Gretzky on their asses, they all have it coming. No better yet, fuck Wayne Gretzky, go all Casey Jones on them, old school Ninja Turtles style.

Casey Jones is about to 'Play Ball' with your Skull.

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Darrian rake, well, since shithead hipster obviously loves waffles so much, you should have made a waffle for him, out of his face. I’m not talking about holding his head in the waffle maker, that’s non-sense. I mean, you should have waited outside, and used your ass stompin’ boots (you do own a pair of ass stompin’ boots right?) to leave a waffle like pattern on his forehead. Second off, while you’re curb stompin’ Mr. “Bullet for my emo kid” his girlfriend in the Ramones shirt, (she obviously has the better taste in music,) would appreciate your awesome display of manliness, and the welcome change of seeing a man who doesn’t have a bigger pussy than she does, so you and her could run off and do the “Blitzkrieg Bop” back in the room, while his sissy ass is “Suffocating Under Words of Sorrow.”

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Lada Gaga's Titties On Fire!

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Mr. Troubled, you’re not only risking fucking up a friendship, you’re missing out. Here’s what I would do: go out on the lake and have a good time. If your friend’s vacation home isn’t good enough for your family, leave them the hell at home, take a vacation without them, you’ll probably have more fun anyway. Let me provide you with the basic program… Don’t be a sissy. “Boo hoo hoo, my friend’s house isn’t the fucking Hilton.” Light up some cheap cigars to smoke the bugs out, and do what you’re supposed to do at a lake house…

10 drink yourself senseless
20 pass out
30 wake up and go out on the lake
40 drink while you fish
50 maybe you catch something, maybe not
60 come back home
70 drink yourself senseless
80 goto 20

Remember the first rule of vacations: “If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re not drinking enough.”
Also remember the second rule of vacations: “You can vacate at home, every night.”

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Hey Alone in Alabama, I never said you were a crybaby emo kid. I realize that emotional pain is very real, and is in fact, every-bit as real as physical pain, which is in fact, not real at all, considering that pain only exists in the mind. Anyway, don’t think that emotional pain isn’t serious, it can be a full blown emergency, in which case you can call whine-one-one and ask for a wahmbulance.

Na, I’m just fucking with you, I’m not Chopper Read here to tell you to “Harden To Fuck Up.” I’m also not going to post that photo of the crying kitten that says “QQ emo boy.” Look, I am a scientist at heart, and I think your problem can be solved using some basic chemistry.

Twice daily, once in the morning upon waking, and again about lunch time, (or later if you sleep late,) take out a sheet of paper, and write, on a scale of zero to ten, how much pain you are in, zero being no pain at all, and ten being the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life. Now take the number you have, and that’s your number for the morning or your number for the afternoon. Do not attempt to leave the house in the morning, until you have had your number, in alcoholic drinks, then again at lunch, do not return to work until you have reached your number.

What kind of drink you ask? Well, don’t be a sissy, you said you weren’t some emo kid, so don’t try that “I only drink Absinthe” or “I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon” shit on me. I’d suggest you get a bottle of rot-gut whiskey, something along the lines of Evan-Williams, Ten High, or Lord Calvert, and get the big bottle, you save money when you buy in bulk.

Technically, it says 'Go Cry Emo Kid' not 'QQ Emo Boy'.

You’ll feel better in no time. Now if your friends still say you need professional help, tell them you contacted a professional and he gave your a prescription, because I’m a professional (drinker,) and I’m pre-scripting you to go for it.

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essexgirl

According to Google, this is an Essex Girl, No, I don't feel sorry for that guy either.

Second off, what is your major malfunction? You have a smoking hot girlfriend who wants to walk around all day with her stuff hanging out for you; and you see this as a problem why? I mean, maybe I’m getting my stereotypes wrong, but isn’t this the uniform of Essex girls? When a girl turns thirteen in Essex, they give her a tube top, short shorts, and a health card.

I don’t think the problem here is with your girl, but with your understanding. See, young men, such as yourself, never seem to understand, there are many types of women in the world, and most of them are good for country matters, but very few of them are the type you bring home to mother. No, just enjoy your little Essex Sex Kitten while you can, and don’t worry about what other people think, because remember, you’re banging a hot chick, and they aren’t.

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Old Man McDrake will be doing our new columns, “AOMM: Ask Old Man McDrake” “WWOMMDD?: What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?“, and “WYHT?: Would You Hit That?”

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