So have you heard about this shit? This is what happens when I stop posting for a couple of weeks. We’re talking about a group of people calling themselves “Juggalos” going around, whilin’ out, lopping heads off with battle axes and bludgeoning people to death with baseball bats. The streets are flowing red with the blood of innocents, and the walls are painted in clown make up. Surely, the end is near.

Intrigued, Douchy Douchebaggerton, Investigative reporter for ABCs news, has launched a full scale investigation. Here are just a few of the facts he has uncovered… (and original video)

1. Juggalos are gang members.
2. Juggalos murder ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the Juggalo is to flip out and kill people.
4. Most ghost towns are not really ghost towns, just places where Juggalos killed everyone.
5. Juggalos can’t play guitar, but they can play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on your severed esophagus.
6. Juggalos did 9/11 (In cooperation with the Jews. [We call them Jewagglos.])
7. Deuce Bigalow was not a Juggalo, he was a man-whore.
8. Pol Pot was most likely a Juggalo.
9. As was Genghis Khan.
10. King Kong was a monkey, not a Juggalo.
11. Khan Noonien Singh may have been a Juggalo
12. John de Lancie is the ringmaster.
13. Dark Carnival is probably not a cruise line.
14. All ICP/Twizid/ABK videos are real life snuff tapes filmed live before a Juggalo audiance.
15. A Juggalo will kill you, eat your corpse, and rape you, in that order.
16. Necro is still a little bitch.
17. Gothapotamus is a Juggalette, maybe.