You have to respect a guy who’s ads were so clever, that he could interrupt our favorite TV shows screaming like a mad man about products that never worked like they were supposed to anyways, and yet, we let that slide and he became a minor celebrity. You like conspiracy theories? Well, you heard it here first.

First, let’s look at the facts. They say foul play is not suspected, but I have it on a good source*, that the crime scene was suspiciously clean. Those who found the body, said it was as if it had been diced into tiny pieces with amazing efficiency, almost as if, the killer had a machine specifically designed to chop human remains. They also said, there was not a single drop of red blood found on the white carpet, almost as if the killer was armed with some kind of super shammy.

Does that sound suspicious to you? You might ask, why are the police holding this information back? It’s obvious isn’t it? Vince Offer is SP, and has been fighting the “church” of Scientology for years. In an effort to discredit Vince, who has the dirt on David Miscavige and has joined forces with Anonymous, the church has declared Vince to be “fair game” and has started faking crimes where he is a suspect to make him look bad. First it was the hooker thing, and now, the murder of Billy Mays. Obviously Scientology sent in a very skilled assassin who killed Billy Mays and made it look like Vince Offer did it. But who do we know that’s killing people, and is a Scientologist? Oh snap, and it all comes back around full circle, Macaulay fuckin’ Culkin.

That’s right, Culkin did Billy Mays, you heard it here first.

*By good source, I mean an interview with Alex Jones of prisonplanet.com