So there is this supposedly ancient Chinese curse, it goes: “May you live in interesting times.” We’ve reached a point in this nation where parts of many major cities resemble Dresden Germany following a visit from allied bombers in 1945. I thought things were getting “interesting” when I heard of thieves breaking into people’s houses and stealing the copper pipes to sell for scrap, but now that they are stealing bricks, literally stealing the bricks that houses and buildings are made out of, you know that’s “interesting.” But fuck those small minded crooks, let me tell you about a couple of fellows who have raised the bar. (continue reading…)

I know, I know, it’s been months, but I haven’t updated because I generally try to avoid political topics, and EVERYTHING seems to have a political spin lately. But mostly, I just wanted to log in and provide a short P.S.A. for the betterment of all mankind. Listen up guys, no one wants to see your junk. (continue reading…)

For those of you who are unfamiliar, I do not like to muddle my online personality with my real life. This is mostly because the internet is full of assholes, creeps, and weirdo stalkers who would like to wear my body as a skinsuit for their high-school reunion. However, today I make an important exception. (continue reading…)

So I’d like to take a minute (just sit right there) to talk about a small issue that has been perplexing me lately. As your friendly neighborhood neck-beard, I must watch music videos, because it is imperative that I stay abreast of modern culture. (Ha ha, I said breast.) (continue reading…)

I’ve heard of cutting off your nose to spite your face, but this is ridiculous. Apparently a “jilted” teenager cut off his penis to spite his girlfriend when he found out that she was about to marry another guy. Yea, that’ll show her buddy.

Bloody amateurs! Vengeance is best served cold. If I were giving advice to that Indonesian boy, I would have told him to do this… (continue reading…)

So I’ve been following this story right? No, let me rephrase that, I’ve been trying to follow this story, but modern news sources refuse to do follow-ups unless the story is about a stupid white chick doing something stupid to mess up her own life… In which case, that’s the only story you’re going to hear about for the next six months…

I’m actually much too lazy to make an image collage right now, but you get my point. (continue reading…)

So, let’s suppose, just hypothetically, that you’re a Canadian Alma Mater Society. Now, let’s suppose you’re both Canadian, and you want to do some charitable work. Being the noble off-spring of mounties, fur trappers, and wolverines, you’ve chosen to donate money to a foodbank, by holding an athletic contest. The nature of the contest? Well, nothing says good clean Canadian fun like an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition. (continue reading…)

So have you heard about this shit? This is what happens when I stop posting for a couple of weeks. We’re talking about a group of people calling themselves “Juggalos” going around, whilin’ out, lopping heads off with battle axes and bludgeoning people to death with baseball bats. The streets are flowing red with the blood of innocents, and the walls are painted in clown make up. Surely, the end is near.

Intrigued, Douchy Douchebaggerton, Investigative reporter for ABCs news, has launched a full scale investigation. Here are just a few of the facts he has uncovered… (and original video) (continue reading…)

Old Man McDrake, I am a recent convert to the vegan lifestyle, and people keep giving me crap. When I eat with family, they make fun of me. When I eat out in public, all the waiters and cooks look at me funny when I ask for vegan versions of my meals. What kind of advice do you have to for me? Maybe something witty I could tell them?
Vegan in Virginia (continue reading…)

Regular readers of drakegta.com (both of you) remember that we sometimes, occasionally, rarely, give out an award. This award, is an award so prestigious that not one of the Nobel Laureates has ever been cool enough to even qualify for consideration. Let me explain, this award I’m talking about, the only guy in history, up to this point, who might be cool enough to almost qualify for this was Charlie Mopps, the guy who invented beer, and he was disqualified because he didn’t ride a flaming hover-board from the future. This seal is reserved for persons, places, and things, so mind-blowingly, earth-shatteringly, life-changingly, wickedly-awesome that to stand in their presence is be forced to write flowery, melodramatic praises and acclimations on your webpage. Since we already gave one to Jim Beam Red Stag, the only other thing awesome enough to win this award right now is: John Dies at the End by David Wong.

(continue reading…)