This will be another regular feature here on drakegta.com. We’re calling it: “OMFG We’re All Gonna Die.” The basic premise of “OMFG We’re All Gonna Die” is that we will present you with an interesting news item, and then explain why it’s time to put your head between your legs and kiss your sorry ass good-bye. Like all “regular features” on drakegta.com, it will probably be done once or twice, and we’ll stop doing it, because we don’t actually give a crap anymore. (continue reading…)

The following is a letter I received a while back regarding Darian Rake’s multiple posts on David Cross and my reply. I rarely reply to these type of letters, but I thought this one deserved special attention.

Tyler wrote:
I read the David Cross article, and I am going to have to ask you to fire the writer. I am not going to sit here and nitpick the article, because I am not a dick and I basically stopped reading when the author cited Cross being most famous for Arrested Development. I stopped reading because I actually had to stop and think of who the hell you were referring to, then upon solving that mystery, I was angered by the fact that you had completely dismissed Mr.Show. I didn’t read the rest of the article, but I skimmed over it seeing a paragraph of attempted humor aimed at Larry the Cable Guy. Then I saw you cite webcomics as intellectual humor(Now here’s where I took offense, retard who wrote the article. You call out David Cross for his “faux-intellectual liberal” humor, and then turn around and cite WEBCOMICS). This right here proves that you have a author that doesn’t get out much besides what they manage to read on the internet. Another thing in the article is the author generalizes two populations of people, and then places himself above them. Does the author has aspergers?

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So I’m trying something new. I joined a social ranting site called WriteBite. I’m posting my rant here, and on WriteBite, and we’ll see what happens. You could go vote for my rant if you wanted.

I work at a hospital, so I get to hear people’s opinions on healthcare reform everyday. I watch the news, I read the articles, I’ve even skimmed some of the proposed legislation. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but I would say I’m about as qualified to have an opinion as anyone else; by which I mean, not qualified at all. That’s why I don’t write about this kind of thing, because everyone has diarrhea of the mouth, talking crap that they don’t understand at rapid speed and the last thing I want to do is add noise and confusion to the noise and confusion. (continue reading…)

So, a teacher in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire is drawing fire for issuing an usual creative writing assignment. Namely, students were asked to respond the question, “If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?” Now, I don’t see what the big hullabaloo is about myself; as far as offensive writing assignments go, I’d rate this five stars, out of one hundred. However, never being one to back down from a challenge, here is my attempt. (continue reading…)

Mr. McDrake, I have a problem, my parents are advancing in age, and it’s about time to put them in a home. Now, my husband and I don’t have a lot of money, and can’t afford such things. I tell my husband that we should just wait for the evadable to happen, and when one of them gets hurt, adult protective services will step in and help. My husband says that isn’t right, he says my parents raised me, and I owe it to them.
Broke in Brooklyn (continue reading…)

So I’m trying something new. I joined a social ranting site called WriteBite. I’m posting my rant here, and on WriteBite, and we’ll see what happens. You could go vote for my rant if you wanted.

So, a couple of weeks ago I explained how Larry the Cable Guy is a prick, but David Cross is a Dipshit, as it turns out, David Cross is still a dipshit. In his continuing quest to promote his new book, I drink for a reason, ol’ Davy Cross is resorting to bigger and bigger publicity stunts. According to several news sources, David Cross is now bragging about the time he did a bump of coke at a White House Correspondents’ Dinner, in front of the president and a bunch of other people. This is the stupidest publicity stunt that-

(continue reading…)

So I’m trying something new. I joined a social ranting site today called WriteBite. I’m posting my rant here, and on WriteBite, and we’ll see what happens. You could go vote for my rant if you wanted.

So what’s the sickest thing you ever put in your mouth? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know. I’ll tell you about the nastiest thing I ever put in my mouth, and I’m not talking about that fat chick with the herpes and the hygiene problems. I’m talking about Talking Rain: Sparking Ice. Listen to the name again, it sounds lovely doesn’t it? Like a good mushroom trip, maybe it’s a drink based on a Native American Vision Quest. (continue reading…)

So today, I had the intense displeasure of listening to a new failed viral video for the David Cross book “I Drink for a Reason.” For those of you who are unfamiliar, David Cross as a comedian/actor most famous for his portrayal of “Dr. Tobias Funke” (The Analrapist) on Arrested Development. For those of you really unfamiliar, Larry the Cable Guy is an unfunny comedian/actor most famous for cursing us with Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector and being a regular on the White Trash Comedy Tour. Anyway, this particular viral video was basically David Cross calling out Larry the Cable Guy. (continue reading…)

Old Man McDrake, you won’t believe this shit. I’m forty-two right, and this forty-eight year-old guy I was dating moved in with me, everything was good for aboot a year. Aboot two months ago, he told me he was leaving me for a younger woman, that was upsetting enough, until I find out that this younger woman is my eighteen year-old daughter, who has recently moved out of my house, and moved in with him. Wait, wait, it gets better, she moved into a flat with him; but she didn’t take her husband and two kids, who all still live with me. I thought maybe this was a joke, or it would only last a couple of weeks, but it been two months, and my daughter still sends me texts about the great sex she’s having with my boyfriend. What the fuck? I mean seriously McDrake, what the hell would you do? I’m thinking aboot taking a hockey stick to the whole lot of them.

Vengeful in Vancouver (continue reading…)

So I’m an ol’ school ranter; I’ve been keepin’ the streets on beets from sunup to sundown and stayin’ true to da game since a time when Rob Zombie was culturally relevant. I’ve had my mind on my ranting and my ranting on my mind since long before cats started wanting cheeseburgers. Hardly a day goes by that people don’t write me and say “Drake, you’re so awesome, and cool, and sexy; and you totally aren’t a friendless loser trying to act cool on the Internet, what can I do to be more like you?” Well, with that in mind-

Anyway, here are the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Ranters. (continue reading…)