So in the interest of trying something new, I’ve started a new category of posts for my site, I call it “Drunken Cookery.” Since this is my first endeavor in into Drunken Cookery, and I don’t know how to cook, and I’m drunk, I thought I’d keep it simple. This week, Fancy Pigs In A Blanket.

So I’ve recently decided that I must be full grown; in evidence of this I cite that I’m not going to gain anymore in height, only in girth, so I must therefore conclude I’m an adult now, and I should start acting like one. Since I’m am a full grown haired over adult with kids, I thought I’d try some of that responsible adult stuff that I’ve heard about. I don’t know much about this whole responsible adult business, but I do know, that when I watch movies and I see adults hanging around with kids, unless they are teaching them how to shoot b-ball, they are always cooking.

Now let me be honest, I’ve taken Chemistry, Physics, Biology, Physiology, Anatomy, Pathophysiology, and even one semester of Home Economics. I can explain the complex chemical changes and denaturing of proteins that happens when heat is applied to food stuffs on a molecular level, but when it comes to cooking, all I know is: “Raw food Bad; make Sick!!! Cooked food come out oven Good, make Yum!!! Baaahhhaa, let cool first, make Burn!! Fire Bad!!! Beer Good!!” I do however know that some people take things that aren’t even food, like flour and yeast and sugar, and produce things that are food, like cake and pies. I want to be one of those people but before I get too far ahead of myself, I thought I’d discuss my ingredients.

1 ea. bottle of Albertson’s Citron Vodka
1 ea. Red Dixie Cup (To Contain Vodka)
1 pk. Hotdogs (Or “Pigs”) [Optional]
1 rl. Great Value: Crescent Rolls, 8 Oz (“or Blankets) [Optional]
1 jr. Great Value: Sliced Jalapenos, 13.4 Oz (Pickled)
1 bg. Great Value: Great Value: Finely Shredded Fiesta Blend Cheese, 16 Oz

Step 1: Awaken in the morning, take a moment to consider your existence, think of all the great potential you have and all the wonderful gifts that life has bestowed upon you. Immediately hit the Vodka.

Step 2: Look in your fridge, hope you have the ingredients listed.

Step 3: Assemble ingredients. Forget to take picture.

Step 4: Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit (190.555556 degrees Celsius for you metric people, and 463.705556 kelvin for you science lab suckers). While the oven is pre-heating, pop open those crescents and lay them out on a cookie sheet, forget to spray it with cooking spray. Roll the hotdogs inside of them. Think about how easy it sounds, it’s not that easy, fucking triangle shaped pieces of shit!! Just fucking wrap around that fucking elongated cylindrical hotdog you doughy bastard!!

Step 5: Remember you were making fancy pigs in a blanket. Unroll them, add cheese and jalapenos, and roll them again. How much? It’s cheese and jalapenos, pile that shit on.

Step 6: Those look like shit, unroll them and roll them again.

Step 7: Take the fork off the cookie sheet and pop them in the oven for about 16 minutes (that’s 12.5 le minuets for those of you who use French timing.)

Step 8: Shit, you made a fucking mess, clean that shit up before your wife notices.

Step 9: While that’s cooking, go have a smoke and drink some more vodka.

Step 10: After the 16 minutes is up, put on oven mitts. Try to recreate that famous post on Reddit where a guy takes a picture of both hands at once. Put pigs on top of oven to cool.

Step 10: Remember that you forgot to spray cooking spray on your cookie sheet. Scape that shit off with a spatula.

Step 11: Them leavin’s that you had to scape off are fucking delicious, eat them.

Step 12: Put the extras up for later, but after a few more vodka drinks, change your mind, go back, and eat all the left overs.