Well Veggy, you don’t mind if I call you Veggy do you? It’s a lifestyle choice, the key word being “choice.” If you wanted to walk around town wearing tube socks below flip-flops, people would look at you funny; and you would have to decided, which is more important, what other people think, or how you want to dress. I too have dealt with unfavorable reactions towards my lifestyle choices, for example, I like to show up at work buzzed, and be drunk by eight am, and I drive an ice cream truck; but that’s my lifestyle choice, so I don’t complain, and I carry a baseball bat behind the ice cream machine, so other people don’t complain either. People treat you differently, because, get this, you act differently. If you can’t handle the ridicule, eat meat like a normal person. Man up or go home; but either way, don’t bitch about the way people treat you when you don’t conform to their expectations.

People used to give Mahatma Gandhi shit about being a vegetarian, but no one ever gave Hitler any shit about being a vegetarian, you know why? Because of the mustache.

As for something witty to say, how about: “Fuck your complete proteins, I ain’t scared of no Kwashiorkor.”

I know what you’re thinking. All that for a book? No, don’t get confused. When you see the word book you probably think of Twilight and Harry Potter, don’t. In fact, don’t even think of Dante’s Inferno, Moby Dick, or Ulysses. Imagine every awesome thing you’ve ever seen in your life, now write it all down, put in a book, that’s the book this book uses for toilet paper.

If I said this was the most important piece of fiction ever written, it would be an understatement. If I said that this book was so awesome, I’ve set up a large shrine to it in my home with an alter and candles and that my wife and kids left me because I started a cult that worships David Wong as a god, that would be an overstatement. But if I told you that I now sleep with his book under my pillow at night hoping to vicariously absorb some of the genius in my sleep, I’d be telling the honest truth.

I had a recent imaginary conversation with noted linguist/psychologist Steven Pinkerton, he told me that the entirety of human history and language development was all leading up to one pivotal moment, the publication of this work. This is it, the singularity has arrived, and it is ten kinds of freaking amazing. He also told me that I have an unhealthy fixation with my mother, but that’s unrelated.

I can’t begin to described the awesomeness within this work. Think about it, you start with a good story, a story that would be great on its own, and then you throw in a layer of parody, and then, that parody makes a parody of itself, and that parody makes a parody that parodies parodies that parody themselves. This book doesn’t just shatter the fourth wall, this book extends into hyperspace and forms a hypercube, and breaks all sixteen walls in all the dimensions. This book is so meta that it cracks the meta-verse at the seams, and then cracks off-color jokes about farts and reproductive body parts, all while making bad puns about chairs.

You’ve got a bad guy named Shitload, and a half-shaved dog with a homemade plastic explosive in his colon, a timeless evil, and two dumb-ass wise-cracking anti-heros (one of whom sleeps with Jenifer Lopez) who are trying to save the world and get back to their dead-end jobs before they get fired, and the book delves deeply into bio-technology and philosophy, if that doesn’t sell you right there, you’re beyond my help.

So you heard about this? “Russia Plans to Save Earth From Rogue Asteroid.” This is an interesting story here, because there is this asteroid, called “99942 Apophis,” that Russia thinks will slam into the earth in or around the year 2030. Which, just as an aside, is proof that astronomers suck at naming things, because if they had any class at all, they would have named it Ragna-röck. Now, us Americans have been tracking 99942 Apophis for a long time, we realize that it is in an orbit that crosses paths with our orbit, but we’ve done the math, and we decided that there is about a one in four million chance of this thing hitting the Earth in the near future, if we leave it the hell alone. Think about that, mathematically speaking, I have a greater chance of getting struck by lighting while having wild sex with Megan Fox than we do of this rock hitting the earth; but strangely, that’s still better odds than hitting the lottery.

Worth it.

I’m not one of those strange space hippies that believes we shouldn’t screw with the orbits of asteroids or anything, I just don’t think Russia should be in-charge of it. Think about it, this is the same guy who sits across the Bering Strait, watching Sarah Palin undress through a zoom-lens; well, wait a second, I guess I can’t fault him for that.

All I’m saying, I’ve read enough science fiction to know that deflecting an incoming asteroid isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Look how well it worked out of those guys.

Oh, but this did inspire me to write another six word story…

Putin deflects asteroid… …directly into Washington.

Tyler wrote:
I read the David Cross article, and I am going to have to ask you to fire the writer. I am not going to sit here and nitpick the article, because I am not a dick and I basically stopped reading when the author cited Cross being most famous for Arrested Development. I stopped reading because I actually had to stop and think of who the hell you were referring to, then upon solving that mystery, I was angered by the fact that you had completely dismissed Mr.Show. I didn’t read the rest of the article, but I skimmed over it seeing a paragraph of attempted humor aimed at Larry the Cable Guy. Then I saw you cite webcomics as intellectual humor(Now here’s where I took offense, retard who wrote the article. You call out David Cross for his “faux-intellectual liberal” humor, and then turn around and cite WEBCOMICS). This right here proves that you have a author that doesn’t get out much besides what they manage to read on the internet. Another thing in the article is the author generalizes two populations of people, and then places himself above them. Does the author has aspergers?

Dearest Tyler;
Thank you greatly for your feedback, you raised an interesting question. Does DrakeGTA have Asperger syndrome? To answer this question, I asked the man himself. When I arrived at Drake’s house, he was dressed in a bloody shower curtain curled up in a fetal position on the floor, banging his head on the wall. I asked him what his problem was, he shrugged his shoulders and said “Meh, Tuesdays.” So in answer to that question, no, I don’t think Drake has Asperger’s syndrome, because Asperger’s is described as “high functioning autiusm” and if you’ve ever known Drake, you would agree, there is nothing about him that can be described has high functioning, or even functioning.

In response to the part about Drake not getting out much, what can I say? We’re not encouraging Drake to get out much, it’s really not safe for him out here; furthermore, it’s really safer for us that he’s in there. We’re talking about a guy who thought dropping acid involved a bottle of hydrochloric acid, and did it anyway. Last time Drake had a night out, I had to sell part of my vintage pornography collection to hire AJ’s legal team to “persuade” the district attorney to drop the case, and now we’re all banned from Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theatre for life.

As for firing Drake, na; it seems to me that your major complaint is that you read the post to imply that Drake thinks that he’s both better than “faux-intellectual liberals” and Larry The Cable Guy fans. He never mentioned anything about being better than Larry The Cable Guy fans, just being better than faux-intellectual liberals; and you know what, even if he’s a mentally unstable violent registered offerner, he is better than faux-intellectual liberals who are too good to appreciate webcomics.

Sincerely,
Old Man McDrake.

I work at a hospital, so I get to hear people’s opinions on healthcare reform everyday. I watch the news, I read the articles, I’ve even skimmed some of the proposed legislation. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but I would say I’m about as qualified to have an opinion as anyone else; by which I mean, not qualified at all. That’s why I don’t write about this kind of thing, because everyone has diarrhea of the mouth, talking crap that they don’t understand at rapid speed and the last thing I want to do is add noise and confusion to the noise and confusion.

Let’s face it, the guy who wrote the book on the current democratic party strategy was a felon, and he wrote the book while in prison for bank-fraud. I don’t give a shit. As far as I’m concerned, he’s no more or less of a crook than anyone else in Washington, he just got caught. The interesting thing, all these people who have added and subtracted their parts to this bill, none of them are healthcare providers. We don’t have doctors writing this thing, in fact, we have lobbyists writing this thing, lobbyists for big insurances companies and pharmaceutical companies. Do we not see the conflict of interest here? Who is least qualified write this bill? Who has a vested interest in seeing that this bill ends up being nothing but a huge money funnel?

People are fucking stupid, the whole reason we needed this bill is because insurance companies suck, but right now, it looks likes this bill is going to make health insurance a mandatory legal requirement, with no public alternative for the insurance companies to compete with. What the hell is that? That’s like saying; “We’ve noticed that some people are injured by our sandpaper toilet tissue, so we’ve decided that all toilet paper should be made of sandpaper.”

This bill is going to be beyond worthless. What’s wrong with medical care in America? Three things,

1. Big pharmaceutical companies screwing the sick with 1000% profit margins,
2. Insurance companies fucking the consumer by dropping / denying coverage for anyone who actually gets sick,
3. Lawyers suing the shit out of anything that moves, driving up the cost of medical care and the cost of liability insurance.

This bill caters to all three of these groups, and does nothing for the doctors, nurses, and healthcare providers trying to save your ass.

Tort reform? Oh hell no, that would make too much sense. No one has the balls, no one wants to piss off the lawyers, they might get sued.

That’s the way it always works, that’s the way every piece of legislation always turns out, it might start out as a good idea, but every special interest group with money to throw at corrupt leaders gets their fingers in the pie. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Think about it, in America, we get screwed on almost everything. We pay too much for cellphone service (and yet, our speeds and coverage are spotty at best), we pay too much for Internet (and yet, we are pretty slow compared to other nations), we pay too much for TV (because there is no option for TV over Internet, and the cable/phone companies that provide our Internet like it that way), we pay too much for healthcare (more than twice as much as any other nation), we pay too much for education (but yet, we aren’t among the top 10 nations in education.)

This is why we can’t have nice things, because we turn everything into a fight between liberals and conservatives, but never address the real issue, that none of these people are qualified to write fortune cookies, much-less important legislation that impacts people’s lives, and they end up bowing to the wishes of special interest groups. This is why we can’t have nice things.

So, a teacher in Wolfeboro, New Hampshire is drawing fire for issuing an usual creative writing assignment. Namely, students were asked to respond the question, “If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?” Now, I don’t see what the big hullabaloo is about myself; as far as offensive writing assignments go, I’d rate this five stars, out of one hundred. However, never being one to back down from a challenge, here is my attempt.

Darian rake
Writing Assignment #1
11-11-09

Question: If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?

Answer: The above listed query presents an interesting and complex set of moral, ethical, and legal implications. While the act of micturition is a fascinating subject of social and biological research, the moral considerations of voiding are far more entertaining. The act of pissing into the mouth of another human being is a time honored tradition of the bourgeoisie class, the act is normally considered to be symbolic in nature, and is rarely encountered in true literal form.

In the wild, frat daddies (Homo douchebagus) often engage in a homoerotic mating ritual known as “Golden Showering.” Frequently, a member of the frat pack will pass out after engaging in competitive imbibement activities, the other tribe members will ritualistically urinate on the sleeping frat member, “in a totally non-gay way.” Studies suggest, that for many frat members, golden showers are the only showers of which they partake. While most human beings judge this act to be queer as fuck, members of the sub-species H. douchebagus consider this act to be “so fucking cash.”

I believe that the decision to urinate in one’s brother’s mouth, is matter of personal choice. As for my personal choice, I would say that would be dependent on multiple factors, primarily “How bad do I have to piss right now?” Yadda-yadda-yadda, something about Obama; I hate my life.

Dear Broke in Brooklyn, that isn’t the way it works. I don’t know your parents, but I’m assuming they put your ass through school, and wiped your ass when you were a baby, it’s not right. Your parents deserve only the best… that India has to offer. No one can afford an American nursing home, so outsource the care of your parents to India. You know those commercials that say: “10 cents a day can feed a starving child in Africa” fuck that, starving kids in Africa can get a job, but 10 cents a day can feed a starving parent in India. Outsource that shit, your mom and pops can get their own private wing at an Indian nursing home for like $60 a month.

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.

yuck

Well, Talking Rain: Sparking Ice, taste just like that, except, instead of North America, it’s Japan, and the spring is made of rancid death, and taste like sadistic Japanese businessmen Bukkaking on your face, while the vengeful rain cloud curses you in German and pisses down your throat. I’m serious here, this shit is vile. Fuck water-boarding, if they had made the prisoners at Gitmo drink Talking Rain: Sparking Ice, not only would we know where Osama Bin Laden is hiding, they would have shipped him to us via Fed-Ex wrapped in a little red ribbon with a bow and everything.

Why does a drink this disgusting even exist? It only serves one possible purpose. There is only one way I could ever see someone wanting one of these. A guy walks into a bar and says: “Quick, I have a psychological disorder that causes me to drink my own piss, I need something that tastes a lot worse than my own day old luke-warm piss so that my piss will taste good by comparison.” The bartender hands him a Talking Rain: Sparking Ice and prays for his soul.

Alcoholic creates fantasy world; lives there.