Bloody amateurs! Vengeance is best served cold. If I were giving advice to that Indonesian boy, I would have told him to do this…

1. Run away from home.
2. Move to Jakarta.
3. Get a job as an understudy at an aquarium.
4. Train a dolphin to attack on command (and not just when it wants to.)
5. Bust the dolphin out.
6. Ride the dolphin back home.
7. Just to show no hard feelings, invite your girlfriend and her soon to be hubby for a swim.
8. Give the command.
9. The dolphin attacks and rips your penis off, no wait, that didn’t work either, shit.

all the single ladies

So here’s the story, a kid goes to school with a cheese sandwich, the happy toddler starts to unwrap his delicious, two servings of dairy in each slice, meal, when the lunch police spot the contraband item, and take it away stating that it wasn’t “healthy enough.” What? Cheese not healthy enough? Maybe I’ve been listening to too much of that big dairy propaganda, but I thought cheese was rich in calcium, improved bone health, and something about antioxidants or freeing your radicals; and you know what, that’s not the point.

All I’m saying, when I went to school, I was lucky to have a cheese sandwich, normally I got a glass of red flavored kool-aid and a note from my mom saying that if I wasn’t such a little shit, she might love me enough to make me lunch. You know what, I made do with what I had, I would steal ketchup packets, put ketchup on my note, and eat it, while softly sobbing to myself alone in the corner.

You know what, if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for my kids. I dare the school to step in and tell me that my kid’s lunch isn’t healthy enough, that the green spots on the bread mean it’s too old. You know what, you said you wanted green leafy vegetables, I gave you green spots, that’s like freakin’ penicillin or something.

All I’m saying if you don’t fight for your rights, you’ll loose them. Today, it’s a cheese sandwich, tomorrow they’ll have your kids eating locally grown organic tofu squares and pledging allegiance to a photo of Che Guevara. I’m so inspired that I wrote this poem…

“THEY CAME FIRST for the cheese sandwich,
and I didn’t speak up because I’m lactose intolerant.

THEN THEY CAME for the fries,
and I didn’t speak up because my doctor told me my triglyceride levels were higher than Amy Winehouse when she “fall down go boom.”

THEN THEY CAME for the white bread,
and I didn’t speak up because I really need to increase my fiber intake, I have a family history of colon cancer.

THEN THEY CAME for the red meat,
and by that time no one was left to speak up, because the whole nation had turned into granola eating yuppies.

THEN THEY FORCED us all into Obama’s socialist deathcamps where we all were all forced to have abortions and while reciting the Koran, and we all realized that Palin was right, and that somehow made it worse.”

For those of you unfamiliar, an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition works like this. A bunch of college kids get drunk (I’m just guessing about that part, but I know I would) and then strap on giant flesh colored inflatable suits, and proceed to push each other out of the ring in true sumo wrestler fashion. Think about it, what objection could anyone possibly have to this? Is it not just an awesomely stupid way to waste a day and make some money for a foodbank? This plan is so simple, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Unless of course, you’re a pussy. See, these canucks from Queens University (who’s apparently hosting the Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition) received a series of complaints stating that an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition is both insulting to Japanese culture, and “oppressive.” Well, being the strong willed lumberjacks that they are, our Canadian friends folded like a smart car in a pile up, offered an apology, and canceled the competition.

WHAT THE FUCK?! Insulting to Japanese culture? Really? Which aspect of Japanese culture are we offending here? The tentacle porn or the vampires that suck shit from your asshole while you sleep? (I wish I was making that up.) Really, which group of highly cultured Japanese denizens are we offending?

Normal Day In Japan

This is a hungry ghost, or an angry shit eating monkey, one of the two.

This is the reason that the Axis lost the war.

I didn't mean to rape you, I have magnetic junk.

You know what, fuck that. Canadians aren’t supposed to be made of steal and ice or some shit? I’m pretty sure that the dude in Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song was a Canadian, and he climbed a mountain and raped a Valkyrie, a real Valkyrie too, none of those sissy Tom Cruise Valkyries. I don’t know much about Canadian history, but I can only assume that Canada was populated by lumberjacks who were living in England and France, and they looked around and said, “Fuck this sissy shit, I want to go live someplace completely inhospitable to Human life. ” You bastards are a shame to your Canadian heritage, you’re supposed to eat maple leaves and shit out hockey pucks, but here you are worried about cultural sensitivities.

Japan does not get to have cultural sensitivities. You know why? Because they lost the bloody second world war, that’s why. If they don’t like it, we can launch a couple ICBMs and remind them why they lost.

You think you’re offended? I’m Irish, how fucking offended do you think I am? I mean seriously, look at this shit…

They dance the gay away

Talk about a misrepresentation of a culture. We’re talking about a brand of bloody bravehearts, and they could take their lives, but never take their freedom; not a bunch of faggy ass queens line dancing in tap shoes. I don’t even know what a river dance is, but I know it didn’t come from Ireland because A) everyone is sober, B) no one is kicking anyone else’s ass, and C) the IRA doesn’t bomb the shit out of that British tosser in the front.

You know what else offends me… This shit…

Celtic Whore

What the fuck is this? Did you guys even look up Celtic culture? You realize that the Celts were a band of badass fucking axe wielding warriors that gave birth to the vikings, the Visigoths, the Vandals, and probably The Dead Kennedys too. I don’t know about much Celtic women, but I know they didn’t put on long flowing dresses, play the violin, and sing Ave Maria. Hell no, Cletic women looked more like this…

I'd fuck Gabrielle any day, no questions asked.

and they used to sing songs written by the great Irish poet and playwright Whitey Ford.

A gentleman and a scholar

Putin deflects asteroid… …directly into Washington.

Intrigued, Douchy Douchebaggerton, Investigative reporter for ABCs news, has launched a full scale investigation. Here are just a few of the facts he has uncovered… (and original video)

1. Juggalos are gang members.
2. Juggalos murder ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the Juggalo is to flip out and kill people.
4. Most ghost towns are not really ghost towns, just places where Juggalos killed everyone.
5. Juggalos can’t play guitar, but they can play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on your severed esophagus.
6. Juggalos did 9/11 (In cooperation with the Jews. [We call them Jewagglos.])
7. Deuce Bigalow was not a Juggalo, he was a man-whore.
8. Pol Pot was most likely a Juggalo.
9. As was Genghis Khan.
10. King Kong was a monkey, not a Juggalo.
11. Khan Noonien Singh may have been a Juggalo
12. John de Lancie is the ringmaster.
13. Dark Carnival is probably not a cruise line.
14. All ICP/Twizid/ABK videos are real life snuff tapes filmed live before a Juggalo audiance.
15. A Juggalo will kill you, eat your corpse, and rape you, in that order.
16. Necro is still a little bitch.
17. Gothapotamus is a Juggalette, maybe.

Well Veggy, you don’t mind if I call you Veggy do you? It’s a lifestyle choice, the key word being “choice.” If you wanted to walk around town wearing tube socks below flip-flops, people would look at you funny; and you would have to decided, which is more important, what other people think, or how you want to dress. I too have dealt with unfavorable reactions towards my lifestyle choices, for example, I like to show up at work buzzed, and be drunk by eight am, and I drive an ice cream truck; but that’s my lifestyle choice, so I don’t complain, and I carry a baseball bat behind the ice cream machine, so other people don’t complain either. People treat you differently, because, get this, you act differently. If you can’t handle the ridicule, eat meat like a normal person. Man up or go home; but either way, don’t bitch about the way people treat you when you don’t conform to their expectations.

People used to give Mahatma Gandhi shit about being a vegetarian, but no one ever gave Hitler any shit about being a vegetarian, you know why? Because of the mustache.

As for something witty to say, how about: “Fuck your complete proteins, I ain’t scared of no Kwashiorkor.”

I know what you’re thinking. All that for a book? No, don’t get confused. When you see the word book you probably think of Twilight and Harry Potter, don’t. In fact, don’t even think of Dante’s Inferno, Moby Dick, or Ulysses. Imagine every awesome thing you’ve ever seen in your life, now write it all down, put in a book, that’s the book this book uses for toilet paper.

If I said this was the most important piece of fiction ever written, it would be an understatement. If I said that this book was so awesome, I’ve set up a large shrine to it in my home with an alter and candles and that my wife and kids left me because I started a cult that worships David Wong as a god, that would be an overstatement. But if I told you that I now sleep with his book under my pillow at night hoping to vicariously absorb some of the genius in my sleep, I’d be telling the honest truth.

I had a recent imaginary conversation with noted linguist/psychologist Steven Pinkerton, he told me that the entirety of human history and language development was all leading up to one pivotal moment, the publication of this work. This is it, the singularity has arrived, and it is ten kinds of freaking amazing. He also told me that I have an unhealthy fixation with my mother, but that’s unrelated.

I can’t begin to described the awesomeness within this work. Think about it, you start with a good story, a story that would be great on its own, and then you throw in a layer of parody, and then, that parody makes a parody of itself, and that parody makes a parody that parodies parodies that parody themselves. This book doesn’t just shatter the fourth wall, this book extends into hyperspace and forms a hypercube, and breaks all sixteen walls in all the dimensions. This book is so meta that it cracks the meta-verse at the seams, and then cracks off-color jokes about farts and reproductive body parts, all while making bad puns about chairs.

You’ve got a bad guy named Shitload, and a half-shaved dog with a homemade plastic explosive in his colon, a timeless evil, and two dumb-ass wise-cracking anti-heros (one of whom sleeps with Jenifer Lopez) who are trying to save the world and get back to their dead-end jobs before they get fired, and the book delves deeply into bio-technology and philosophy, if that doesn’t sell you right there, you’re beyond my help.

So you heard about this? “Russia Plans to Save Earth From Rogue Asteroid.” This is an interesting story here, because there is this asteroid, called “99942 Apophis,” that Russia thinks will slam into the earth in or around the year 2030. Which, just as an aside, is proof that astronomers suck at naming things, because if they had any class at all, they would have named it Ragna-röck. Now, us Americans have been tracking 99942 Apophis for a long time, we realize that it is in an orbit that crosses paths with our orbit, but we’ve done the math, and we decided that there is about a one in four million chance of this thing hitting the Earth in the near future, if we leave it the hell alone. Think about that, mathematically speaking, I have a greater chance of getting struck by lighting while having wild sex with Megan Fox than we do of this rock hitting the earth; but strangely, that’s still better odds than hitting the lottery.

Worth it.

I’m not one of those strange space hippies that believes we shouldn’t screw with the orbits of asteroids or anything, I just don’t think Russia should be in-charge of it. Think about it, this is the same guy who sits across the Bering Strait, watching Sarah Palin undress through a zoom-lens; well, wait a second, I guess I can’t fault him for that.

All I’m saying, I’ve read enough science fiction to know that deflecting an incoming asteroid isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Look how well it worked out of those guys.

Oh, but this did inspire me to write another six word story…

Putin deflects asteroid… …directly into Washington.

Tyler wrote:
I read the David Cross article, and I am going to have to ask you to fire the writer. I am not going to sit here and nitpick the article, because I am not a dick and I basically stopped reading when the author cited Cross being most famous for Arrested Development. I stopped reading because I actually had to stop and think of who the hell you were referring to, then upon solving that mystery, I was angered by the fact that you had completely dismissed Mr.Show. I didn’t read the rest of the article, but I skimmed over it seeing a paragraph of attempted humor aimed at Larry the Cable Guy. Then I saw you cite webcomics as intellectual humor(Now here’s where I took offense, retard who wrote the article. You call out David Cross for his “faux-intellectual liberal” humor, and then turn around and cite WEBCOMICS). This right here proves that you have a author that doesn’t get out much besides what they manage to read on the internet. Another thing in the article is the author generalizes two populations of people, and then places himself above them. Does the author has aspergers?

Dearest Tyler;
Thank you greatly for your feedback, you raised an interesting question. Does DrakeGTA have Asperger syndrome? To answer this question, I asked the man himself. When I arrived at Drake’s house, he was dressed in a bloody shower curtain curled up in a fetal position on the floor, banging his head on the wall. I asked him what his problem was, he shrugged his shoulders and said “Meh, Tuesdays.” So in answer to that question, no, I don’t think Drake has Asperger’s syndrome, because Asperger’s is described as “high functioning autiusm” and if you’ve ever known Drake, you would agree, there is nothing about him that can be described has high functioning, or even functioning.

In response to the part about Drake not getting out much, what can I say? We’re not encouraging Drake to get out much, it’s really not safe for him out here; furthermore, it’s really safer for us that he’s in there. We’re talking about a guy who thought dropping acid involved a bottle of hydrochloric acid, and did it anyway. Last time Drake had a night out, I had to sell part of my vintage pornography collection to hire AJ’s legal team to “persuade” the district attorney to drop the case, and now we’re all banned from Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theatre for life.

As for firing Drake, na; it seems to me that your major complaint is that you read the post to imply that Drake thinks that he’s both better than “faux-intellectual liberals” and Larry The Cable Guy fans. He never mentioned anything about being better than Larry The Cable Guy fans, just being better than faux-intellectual liberals; and you know what, even if he’s a mentally unstable violent registered offerner, he is better than faux-intellectual liberals who are too good to appreciate webcomics.

Sincerely,
Old Man McDrake.

I work at a hospital, so I get to hear people’s opinions on healthcare reform everyday. I watch the news, I read the articles, I’ve even skimmed some of the proposed legislation. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert, but I would say I’m about as qualified to have an opinion as anyone else; by which I mean, not qualified at all. That’s why I don’t write about this kind of thing, because everyone has diarrhea of the mouth, talking crap that they don’t understand at rapid speed and the last thing I want to do is add noise and confusion to the noise and confusion.

Let’s face it, the guy who wrote the book on the current democratic party strategy was a felon, and he wrote the book while in prison for bank-fraud. I don’t give a shit. As far as I’m concerned, he’s no more or less of a crook than anyone else in Washington, he just got caught. The interesting thing, all these people who have added and subtracted their parts to this bill, none of them are healthcare providers. We don’t have doctors writing this thing, in fact, we have lobbyists writing this thing, lobbyists for big insurances companies and pharmaceutical companies. Do we not see the conflict of interest here? Who is least qualified write this bill? Who has a vested interest in seeing that this bill ends up being nothing but a huge money funnel?

People are fucking stupid, the whole reason we needed this bill is because insurance companies suck, but right now, it looks likes this bill is going to make health insurance a mandatory legal requirement, with no public alternative for the insurance companies to compete with. What the hell is that? That’s like saying; “We’ve noticed that some people are injured by our sandpaper toilet tissue, so we’ve decided that all toilet paper should be made of sandpaper.”

This bill is going to be beyond worthless. What’s wrong with medical care in America? Three things,

1. Big pharmaceutical companies screwing the sick with 1000% profit margins,
2. Insurance companies fucking the consumer by dropping / denying coverage for anyone who actually gets sick,
3. Lawyers suing the shit out of anything that moves, driving up the cost of medical care and the cost of liability insurance.

This bill caters to all three of these groups, and does nothing for the doctors, nurses, and healthcare providers trying to save your ass.

Tort reform? Oh hell no, that would make too much sense. No one has the balls, no one wants to piss off the lawyers, they might get sued.

That’s the way it always works, that’s the way every piece of legislation always turns out, it might start out as a good idea, but every special interest group with money to throw at corrupt leaders gets their fingers in the pie. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Think about it, in America, we get screwed on almost everything. We pay too much for cellphone service (and yet, our speeds and coverage are spotty at best), we pay too much for Internet (and yet, we are pretty slow compared to other nations), we pay too much for TV (because there is no option for TV over Internet, and the cable/phone companies that provide our Internet like it that way), we pay too much for healthcare (more than twice as much as any other nation), we pay too much for education (but yet, we aren’t among the top 10 nations in education.)

This is why we can’t have nice things, because we turn everything into a fight between liberals and conservatives, but never address the real issue, that none of these people are qualified to write fortune cookies, much-less important legislation that impacts people’s lives, and they end up bowing to the wishes of special interest groups. This is why we can’t have nice things.