So, let’s suppose, just hypothetically, that you’re a Canadian Alma Mater Society. Now, let’s suppose you’re both Canadian, and you want to do some charitable work. Being the noble off-spring of mounties, fur trappers, and wolverines, you’ve chosen to donate money to a foodbank, by holding an athletic contest. The nature of the contest? Well, nothing says good clean Canadian fun like an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition.

For those of you unfamiliar, an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition works like this. A bunch of college kids get drunk (I’m just guessing about that part, but I know I would) and then strap on giant flesh colored inflatable suits, and proceed to push each other out of the ring in true sumo wrestler fashion. Think about it, what objection could anyone possibly have to this? Is it not just an awesomely stupid way to waste a day and make some money for a foodbank? This plan is so simple, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Unless of course, you’re a pussy. See, these canucks from Queens University (who’s apparently hosting the Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition) received a series of complaints stating that an Inflatable Sumo Suit Competition is both insulting to Japanese culture, and “oppressive.” Well, being the strong willed lumberjacks that they are, our Canadian friends folded like a smart car in a pile up, offered an apology, and canceled the competition.

WHAT THE FUCK?! Insulting to Japanese culture? Really? Which aspect of Japanese culture are we offending here? The tentacle porn or the vampires that suck shit from your asshole while you sleep? (I wish I was making that up.) Really, which group of highly cultured Japanese denizens are we offending?

These guys, or these guys?

You know what, fuck that. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be made of steal and ice or some shit? I’m pretty sure that the dude in Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song was a Canadian, and he climbed a mountain and raped a Valkyrie, a real Valkyrie too, none of those sissy Tom Cruise Valkyries. I don’t know much about Canadian history, but I can only assume that Canada was populated by lumberjacks who were living in England and France, and they looked around and said, “Fuck this sissy shit, I want to go live someplace completely inhospitable to Human life. ” You bastards are a shame to your Canadian heritage, you’re supposed to eat maple leaves and shit out hockey pucks, but here you are worried about cultural sensitivities.

Japan does not get to have cultural sensitivities. You know why? Because they lost the bloody second world war, that’s why. If they don’t like it, we can launch a couple ICBMs and remind them why they lost.

You think you’re offended? I’m Irish, how fucking offended do you think I am? I mean seriously, look at this shit…

Talk about a misrepresentation of a culture. We’re talking about a brand of bloody bravehearts, and they could take their lives, but never take their freedom; not a bunch of faggy ass queens line dancing in tap shoes. I don’t even know what a river dance is, but I know it didn’t come from Ireland because A) everyone is sober, B) no one is kicking anyone else’s ass, and C) the IRA doesn’t bomb the shit out of that British tosser in the front.

You know what else offends me… This shit…

What the fuck is this? Did you guys even look up Celtic culture? You realize that the Celts were a band of badass fucking axe wielding warriors that gave birth to the vikings, the Visigoths, the Vandals, and probably The Dead Kennedys too. I don’t know about much Celtic women, but I know they didn’t put on long flowing dresses, play the violin, and sing Ave Maria. Hell no, Cletic women looked more like this…

and they used to sing songs written by the great Irish poet and playwright Whitey Ford.