This will be another regular feature here on drakegta.com. We’re calling it: “OMFG We’re All Gonna Die.” The basic premise of “OMFG We’re All Gonna Die” is that we will present you with an interesting news item, and then explain why it’s time to put your head between your legs and kiss your sorry ass good-bye. Like all “regular features” on drakegta.com, it will probably be done once or twice, and we’ll stop doing it, because we don’t actually give a crap anymore.

So you heard about this? “Russia Plans to Save Earth From Rogue Asteroid.” This is an interesting story here, because there is this asteroid, called “99942 Apophis,” that Russia thinks will slam into the earth in or around the year 2030. Which, just as an aside, is proof that astronomers suck at naming things, because if they had any class at all, they would have named it Ragna-röck. Now, us Americans have been tracking 99942 Apophis for a long time, we realize that it is in an orbit that crosses paths with our orbit, but we’ve done the math, and we decided that there is about a one in four million chance of this thing hitting the Earth in the near future, if we leave it the hell alone. Think about that, mathematically speaking, I have a greater chance of getting struck by lighting while having wild sex with Megan Fox than we do of this rock hitting the earth; but strangely, that’s still better odds than hitting the lottery.

There is an important distinction with that one in four million figure, it’s “if we leave it the hell alone.” Well, back in the USSR, their mathematicians have come up with some slightly different figures. (Because in Soviet Russia numbers crunch You.) We have a one in for million chance, they have a 100% likelihood. It’s not that I don’t trust Russian math, it’s just that…

…Ok, you’re right, I don’t trust Russian math.

I’m not one of those strange space hippies that believes we shouldn’t screw with the orbits of asteroids or anything, I just don’t think Russia should be in-charge of it. Think about it, this is the same guy who sits across the Bering Strait, watching Sarah Palin undress through a zoom-lens; well, wait a second, I guess I can’t fault him for that.

All I’m saying, I’ve read enough science fiction to know that deflecting an incoming asteroid isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Look how well it worked out of those guys.

Oh, but this did inspire me to write another six word story…

Putin deflects asteroid… …directly into Washington.