drakegta.com » AOMM: Ask Old Man McDrake

AOMM: Vegan in Virginia

Old Man McDrake — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 21:58:16 +0000

Old Man McDrake, I am a recent convert to the vegan lifestyle, and people keep giving me crap. When I eat with family, they make fun of me. When I eat out in public, all the waiters and cooks look at me funny when I ask for vegan versions of my meals. What kind of advice do you have to for me? Maybe something witty I could tell them?
Vegan in Virginia

Well Veggy, you don’t mind if I call you Veggy do you? It’s a lifestyle choice, the key word being “choice.” If you wanted to walk around town wearing tube socks below flip-flops, people would look at you funny; and you would have to decided, which is more important, what other people think, or how you want to dress. I too have dealt with unfavorable reactions towards my lifestyle choices, for example, I like to show up at work buzzed, and be drunk by eight am, and I drive an ice cream truck; but that’s my lifestyle choice, so I don’t complain, and I carry a baseball bat behind the ice cream machine, so other people don’t complain either. People treat you differently, because, get this, you act differently. If you can’t handle the ridicule, eat meat like a normal person. Man up or go home; but either way, don’t bitch about the way people treat you when you don’t conform to their expectations.

People used to give Mahatma Gandhi shit about being a vegetarian, but no one ever gave Hitler any shit about being a vegetarian, you know why? Because of the mustache.

As for something witty to say, how about: “Fuck your complete proteins, I ain’t scared of no Kwashiorkor.”

AOMM: I’m down with OPP (Old People Problems)

Old Man McDrake — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 05:21:26 +0000

Mr. McDrake, I have a problem, my parents are advancing in age, and it’s about time to put them in a home. Now, my husband and I don’t have a lot of money, and can’t afford such things. I tell my husband that we should just wait for the evadable to happen, and when one of them gets hurt, adult protective services will step in and help. My husband says that isn’t right, he says my parents raised me, and I owe it to them.
Broke in Brooklyn

Dear Broke in Brooklyn, that isn’t the way it works. I don’t know your parents, but I’m assuming they put your ass through school, and wiped your ass when you were a baby, it’s not right. Your parents deserve only the best… that India has to offer. No one can afford an American nursing home, so outsource the care of your parents to India. You know those commercials that say: “10 cents a day can feed a starving child in Africa” fuck that, starving kids in Africa can get a job, but 10 cents a day can feed a starving parent in India. Outsource that shit, your mom and pops can get their own private wing at an Indian nursing home for like $60 a month.

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.

AOMM: Alone in Alabama

Old Man McDrake — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 06:47:20 +0000

Mr. McDrake, the most important relationship in my life, with the most amazing woman I have ever met has recently ended. I don’t know what I should do, all my friends tell me that “there are plenty of other fish in the sea,” and I should “just get the fuck over it,” but I find myself alone and hurting. I know it does me no good to dwell on it, but I can’t get over her. I think about her all the time, and everything reminds me of her. I am not some crybaby emo kid, I am just seriously hurting here, some people are suggesting I see a professional, what should I do? – Alone in Alabama

Hey Alone in Alabama, I never said you were a crybaby emo kid. I realize that emotional pain is very real, and is in fact, every-bit as real as physical pain, which is in fact, not real at all, considering that pain only exists in the mind. Anyway, don’t think that emotional pain isn’t serious, it can be a full blown emergency, in which case you can call whine-one-one and ask for a wahmbulance.

Na, I’m just fucking with you, I’m not Chopper Read here to tell you to “Harden To Fuck Up.” I’m also not going to post that photo of the crying kitten that says “QQ emo boy.” Look, I am a scientist at heart, and I think your problem can be solved using some basic chemistry.

Twice daily, once in the morning upon waking, and again about lunch time, (or later if you sleep late,) take out a sheet of paper, and write, on a scale of zero to ten, how much pain you are in, zero being no pain at all, and ten being the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life. Now take the number you have, and that’s your number for the morning or your number for the afternoon. Do not attempt to leave the house in the morning, until you have had your number, in alcoholic drinks, then again at lunch, do not return to work until you have reached your number.

What kind of drink you ask? Well, don’t be a sissy, you said you weren’t some emo kid, so don’t try that “I only drink Absinthe” or “I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon” shit on me. I’d suggest you get a bottle of rot-gut whiskey, something along the lines of Evan-Williams, Ten High, or Lord Calvert, and get the big bottle, you save money when you buy in bulk.

Technically, it says 'Go Cry Emo Kid' not 'QQ Emo Boy'.

Now, I said I was a scientist at heart, and here’s the only chemical formula you will ever need to know in your life: Take one 12 oz glass, and fill with, One part Whiskey: Two parts Coke. (That’s 8oz of Coke and 4oz of whiskey for anyone keeping score) [That's 120ml of Whiskey and 240ml of Coke for anyone keeping score using the metric system.]

You’ll feel better in no time. Now if your friends still say you need professional help, tell them you contacted a professional and he gave your a prescription, because I’m a professional (drinker,) and I’m pre-scripting you to go for it.

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.

AOMM: Embarrassed in Essex

Old Man McDrake — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:53:18 +0000

Dearest McDrake, I have a slight problem. I have been dating this blond bird for several months and we have recently moved into the same flat. She is smokin hot right, but she never dresses as she should. Last week, we were supposed to meet my parents for the first time, but she insisted on wearing a spaghetti strap top with no bra and a short skirt with no underwear. I told her this wasn’t appropriate attire to wear when meeting my parents, this started a fight, and we ended up not going. I don’t know what to do, she dresses like this everywhere she goes. – Embarrassed in Essex

essexgirl

According to Google, this is an Essex Girl, No, I don't feel sorry for that guy either.

Embarrassed in Essex, first off, my name is Old Man McDrake, I’m not a deer, I’m your dear, and I’m sure not hell not your dearest uncle McDrake. I’ll have you know that I’ve been hittin’ skins like a drummer at a speed metal concert since before you were even born; so in that respect, I might very well be your daddy, but I sure the hell ain’t your uncle. You can call me Mr. McDrake from now on, I’ll let it slide this time, but next time, I may just fly down to Essex and share a bottle of scotch with you. (By share, I mean, I drink it while you watch, and then I bludgeon you with the bottle.) I’ve shared scotch with many a great men in my day.

Second off, what is your major malfunction? You have a smoking hot girlfriend who wants to walk around all day with her stuff hanging out for you; and you see this as a problem why? I mean, maybe I’m getting my stereotypes wrong, but isn’t this the uniform of Essex girls? When a girl turns thirteen in Essex, they give her a tube top, short shorts, and a health card.

I don’t think the problem here is with your girl, but with your understanding. See, young men, such as yourself, never seem to understand, there are many types of women in the world, and most of them are good for country matters, but very few of them are the type you bring home to mother. No, just enjoy your little Essex Sex Kitten while you can, and don’t worry about what other people think, because remember, you’re banging a hot chick, and they aren’t.

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.

Introducing Old Man McDrake

Old Man McDrake — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:53:22 +0000

You know what we’ve been missing here at drakegta.com? Talent, well, talent, and an advice columnist. So in order to fill this gap, we have recruited the most sought after advise columnist on the face of the earth, a man sought after by authorities in twenty-eight states and four municipalities, Old Man McDrake. Old Man McDrake is a wise and wizened old man, full of wisdom. Because we realize that the vast majority of people are mindless sheep, who can’t make decisions for themselves, we now offer that service for you.

Old Man McDrake will be doing our new columns, “AOMM: Ask Old Man McDrake” “WWOMMDD?: What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?“, and “WYHT?: Would You Hit That?”

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.