all the single ladies

So here’s the story, a kid goes to school with a cheese sandwich, the happy toddler starts to unwrap his delicious, two servings of dairy in each slice, meal, when the lunch police spot the contraband item, and take it away stating that it wasn’t “healthy enough.” What? Cheese not healthy enough? Maybe I’ve been listening to too much of that big dairy propaganda, but I thought cheese was rich in calcium, improved bone health, and something about antioxidants or freeing your radicals; and you know what, that’s not the point.

All I’m saying, when I went to school, I was lucky to have a cheese sandwich, normally I got a glass of red flavored kool-aid and a note from my mom saying that if I wasn’t such a little shit, she might love me enough to make me lunch. You know what, I made do with what I had, I would steal ketchup packets, put ketchup on my note, and eat it, while softly sobbing to myself alone in the corner.

You know what, if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for my kids. I dare the school to step in and tell me that my kid’s lunch isn’t healthy enough, that the green spots on the bread mean it’s too old. You know what, you said you wanted green leafy vegetables, I gave you green spots, that’s like freakin’ penicillin or something.

All I’m saying if you don’t fight for your rights, you’ll loose them. Today, it’s a cheese sandwich, tomorrow they’ll have your kids eating locally grown organic tofu squares and pledging allegiance to a photo of Che Guevara. I’m so inspired that I wrote this poem…

“THEY CAME FIRST for the cheese sandwich,
and I didn’t speak up because I’m lactose intolerant.

THEN THEY CAME for the fries,
and I didn’t speak up because my doctor told me my triglyceride levels were higher than Amy Winehouse when she “fall down go boom.”

THEN THEY CAME for the white bread,
and I didn’t speak up because I really need to increase my fiber intake, I have a family history of colon cancer.

THEN THEY CAME for the red meat,
and by that time no one was left to speak up, because the whole nation had turned into granola eating yuppies.

THEN THEY FORCED us all into Obama’s socialist deathcamps where we all were all forced to have abortions and while reciting the Koran, and we all realized that Palin was right, and that somehow made it worse.”

Anyway, the article turned out to be some uninteresting bullshit about a chick who got a vanilla business degree in May, and is pissed because her college’s job placement service hasn’t landed her a dream job yet. The interesting thing to me, was this link at the end of a line, in the middle of the story. iReport.com: “Don’t sue your alma mater”

I’d never heard of iReport.com; I had to find out, is it written by sentient report papers? Is it like I Robot, except you’ll only get paper cuts? Is it where you report improper capitalization in website names? Is it a new over-priced apple product?

So I clicked the link, it turns out, that it’s none of the above. I’m greeted with a video of Hippy McNeedsToShave (Internet name: David Seamen) giving me his asinine opinion on the subject of Trina Thompson suing her university. Guess what, if I wanted to hear people’s asinine opinions on things, I’d go read blogs, not CNN. Their name is CNN. that’s Central News Network, not Bullshit Asshole’s Opinions About Shit They Know Nothing About (BAOASTKNA). (As a side note, it’s not just CNN, it’s ABC with “i-Caught,” Fox with “uReport,” and MSNBC with “FirstPerson.“)

You know what CNN, way to go, you’ve combined the monotony of AP news rehashes, with the integrity of a Myspace glitter page. Ben Franklin won your freedom of the press, and this is how you repay him? Really, this dude’s name is “David Seaman” and he thinks that a Bachelor of Business Administration (BBA) is a liberal arts degree. No David, the degree in Pot Smoking and Journalism you’re getting for your university is a liberal arts degree. Here’s an idea David, if you can’t find a job after you graduate college, instead of pointing the finger at the government, point it at yourself, and go find a job, you know, waiting tables or something else you’re bullshit journalism degree will qualify you for.

I’m too fat, drunk, and lazy to make a video remix of this guy’s video that ends with “play him off, keyboard cat” so watch this video and just pretend I did okay?