Step One: Read this guide, no one has ever become internet famous or awesome without first reading this guide.

Step Two: Have a rabid werewolf mate with a rabid grizzly bear. (If you don’t have grizzlies, a polar bear will work, but not a brown bear, they are too small, and definitely not a panda bear, because they aren’t really bears, they are actually related to the fox.)

Step Three: Be born as the offspring of this union. (If it’s already too late for that, and your parents weren’t a rabid bear and a rabid werewolf, you can fake it, it just won’t be easy.)

Step Four: Kill Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez by chopping his head off, and become immortal.

Step Five: Have a bad ass Queen song written about you. (That Flash Gordon song doesn’t count.)

Step Six: Meditate under a Bodhi tree for forty-nine days, until a Bodhi fruit falls on your head. Instantly discover both Nirvana and Newtonian physics at the same time.

Step Seven: When you get to be old enough for school, on your first day of school, stab someone, they won’t ever try to mess with you again. Wait, never mind, that’s prison not school.

Step Eight: When you finish school, shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Go to prison, stab someone there on your first day.

Step Nine: When you hear that whistle blowin’, hang your head and cry.

Step Ten: Serve twelve life sentences, and work out the whole time, you’ll be all buff by then.

Step Eleven: Invent time travel, go back in time, become a rabid werewolf, rape a bear.

Step Twelve: Help Al Gore invent the internet.

Step Thirteen: Write rants. (Optional.)