all the single ladies

So here’s the story, a kid goes to school with a cheese sandwich, the happy toddler starts to unwrap his delicious, two servings of dairy in each slice, meal, when the lunch police spot the contraband item, and take it away stating that it wasn’t “healthy enough.” What? Cheese not healthy enough? Maybe I’ve been listening to too much of that big dairy propaganda, but I thought cheese was rich in calcium, improved bone health, and something about antioxidants or freeing your radicals; and you know what, that’s not the point.

All I’m saying, when I went to school, I was lucky to have a cheese sandwich, normally I got a glass of red flavored kool-aid and a note from my mom saying that if I wasn’t such a little shit, she might love me enough to make me lunch. You know what, I made do with what I had, I would steal ketchup packets, put ketchup on my note, and eat it, while softly sobbing to myself alone in the corner.

You know what, if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for my kids. I dare the school to step in and tell me that my kid’s lunch isn’t healthy enough, that the green spots on the bread mean it’s too old. You know what, you said you wanted green leafy vegetables, I gave you green spots, that’s like freakin’ penicillin or something.

All I’m saying if you don’t fight for your rights, you’ll loose them. Today, it’s a cheese sandwich, tomorrow they’ll have your kids eating locally grown organic tofu squares and pledging allegiance to a photo of Che Guevara. I’m so inspired that I wrote this poem…

“THEY CAME FIRST for the cheese sandwich,
and I didn’t speak up because I’m lactose intolerant.

THEN THEY CAME for the fries,
and I didn’t speak up because my doctor told me my triglyceride levels were higher than Amy Winehouse when she “fall down go boom.”

THEN THEY CAME for the white bread,
and I didn’t speak up because I really need to increase my fiber intake, I have a family history of colon cancer.

THEN THEY CAME for the red meat,
and by that time no one was left to speak up, because the whole nation had turned into granola eating yuppies.

THEN THEY FORCED us all into Obama’s socialist deathcamps where we all were all forced to have abortions and while reciting the Koran, and we all realized that Palin was right, and that somehow made it worse.”

I continue to read the news, against the advice of my physician concerning my high blood pressure. I was reading something interesting today about copyright infringement. Now, I and copyright infringement go back quite a long ways, ever since I wrote my first report in grade school: “We choose to go to the moon.” Anyway, let’s just say, I know to call a spade a spade, because when I see a bird that walks like a duck, and swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.

But I also know when something isn’t copyright infringement. I’ll tell you what isn’t copyright infringement, when you have your domain point another site. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “No shit Big Don Drakoni, everyone knows that.” Well, don’t even think that way about me, I’ll smack your face off and use it to degrease my engine.

That’s where you would be mistaken. It turns out that Sara Palin, or more correctly, the lawyers who represent her and the attorney general of Alaska, do not. See, way back in 2008, Shu Latif, who looks like a smelly pirate hooker from whore island to me, took her domain, crackho.com, and redirected it to point to Sarah Palin’s official website.

Now, I think that’s all harmless fun and games, even if I think of Sara less as crack ho, and more as a realdoll programed with some very rudimentary artificial intelligence system. Anyway, I guess no one noticed until now, because Alaska’s Attorney General Michael Barnhill, just sent Shu a cease-and-desist order.

I know what you’re thinking: “Stop the presses, an attorney in Alaska doesn’t understand the law, guess what, who cares?” Well I say shut the fuck up, I’m trying to tell you a story, and if you interrupt me again, thinking out loud like that, I’m going to pump you so full of holes they’ll think you’re the plot to a new Star Wars prequel. No, it’s something more sinister then that. I think that Mikey Barnhill knows this isn’t a crime, I think Mikey Barnhill is using fear and intimidation to put this Shu lady into a box. I don’t like it, fear and intimidation are my racket.