First, let’s look at the facts. They say he died of cardiac arrest, but I have it on a good source*, that the crime scene did not indicate a simple heart attack. No, based on the evidence, The King of Pop first tripped over Hot Wheels left on the stairs, then was hit by buckets of paint on strings, and fell to the bottom where he landed on Christmas bulbs, triggering a fan to blow feathers on him and a red hot iron to land on his face.

The Face of a Killer

Does that sound suspicious to you? You might ask, why are the police holding this information back? It’s obvious isn’t it? After Home Alone Part One, Culkin acquired a blood lust, before Part Two Culkin moved to New York and set his sights on bigger things, then the documentary on Culkin’s early life, “The Good Son” came out, exposing him as the psychopath he was. Afraid, Culkin went into hidding while hatching his master plan, using a clone created at the secret military installation under Dulce Mountain, New Mexico, the CIA working with Goodwill subjected a replicate to repetitive torture at Neverland Ranch, so that Culkin could fall out of the radar and complete his Borne Alternative; they called it operation Pagemaster, but we called it 9-11.

That’s right, Culkin did 9-11, you heard it here first.

*By good source, I mean an interview with Alex Jones of prisonplanet.com