I know what you’re thinking. All that for a book? No, don’t get confused. When you see the word book you probably think of Twilight and Harry Potter, don’t. In fact, don’t even think of Dante’s Inferno, Moby Dick, or Ulysses. Imagine every awesome thing you’ve ever seen in your life, now write it all down, put in a book, that’s the book this book uses for toilet paper.

If I said this was the most important piece of fiction ever written, it would be an understatement. If I said that this book was so awesome, I’ve set up a large shrine to it in my home with an alter and candles and that my wife and kids left me because I started a cult that worships David Wong as a god, that would be an overstatement. But if I told you that I now sleep with his book under my pillow at night hoping to vicariously absorb some of the genius in my sleep, I’d be telling the honest truth.

I had a recent imaginary conversation with noted linguist/psychologist Steven Pinkerton, he told me that the entirety of human history and language development was all leading up to one pivotal moment, the publication of this work. This is it, the singularity has arrived, and it is ten kinds of freaking amazing. He also told me that I have an unhealthy fixation with my mother, but that’s unrelated.

I can’t begin to described the awesomeness within this work. Think about it, you start with a good story, a story that would be great on its own, and then you throw in a layer of parody, and then, that parody makes a parody of itself, and that parody makes a parody that parodies parodies that parody themselves. This book doesn’t just shatter the fourth wall, this book extends into hyperspace and forms a hypercube, and breaks all sixteen walls in all the dimensions. This book is so meta that it cracks the meta-verse at the seams, and then cracks off-color jokes about farts and reproductive body parts, all while making bad puns about chairs.

You’ve got a bad guy named Shitload, and a half-shaved dog with a homemade plastic explosive in his colon, a timeless evil, and two dumb-ass wise-cracking anti-heros (one of whom sleeps with Jenifer Lopez) who are trying to save the world and get back to their dead-end jobs before they get fired, and the book delves deeply into bio-technology and philosophy, if that doesn’t sell you right there, you’re beyond my help.

Now I can hear you already, your over-sized labia are flapping about how ‘Jack is better than Jimmy’ or how ‘Maker’s Mark is the only real whiskey in America,’ or how ‘the best whiskey is Scotch,’ let me tell you right now; shut the fuck up. I’m talking about a product so amazing, that if it doesn’t improve your life on the first day, I’ll double your money back, and I can make that guarantee, because I am not affiliated with the company in anyway and I don’t stand behind my promises in any way, shape, or form.

Jim Beam Red Stag

Belushi in Animal House