I continue to read the news, against the advice of my physician concerning my high blood pressure. I was reading something interesting today about copyright infringement. Now, I and copyright infringement go back quite a long ways, ever since I wrote my first report in grade school: “We choose to go to the moon.” Anyway, let’s just say, I know to call a spade a spade, because when I see a bird that walks like a duck, and swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.

But I also know when something isn’t copyright infringement. I’ll tell you what isn’t copyright infringement, when you have your domain point another site. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “No shit Big Don Drakoni, everyone knows that.” Well, don’t even think that way about me, I’ll smack your face off and use it to degrease my engine.

That’s where you would be mistaken. It turns out that Sara Palin, or more correctly, the lawyers who represent her and the attorney general of Alaska, do not. See, way back in 2008, Shu Latif, who looks like a smelly pirate hooker from whore island to me, took her domain, crackho.com, and redirected it to point to Sarah Palin’s official website.

Now, I think that’s all harmless fun and games, even if I think of Sara less as crack ho, and more as a realdoll programed with some very rudimentary artificial intelligence system. Anyway, I guess no one noticed until now, because Alaska’s Attorney General Michael Barnhill, just sent Shu a cease-and-desist order.

I know what you’re thinking: “Stop the presses, an attorney in Alaska doesn’t understand the law, guess what, who cares?” Well I say shut the fuck up, I’m trying to tell you a story, and if you interrupt me again, thinking out loud like that, I’m going to pump you so full of holes they’ll think you’re the plot to a new Star Wars prequel. No, it’s something more sinister then that. I think that Mikey Barnhill knows this isn’t a crime, I think Mikey Barnhill is using fear and intimidation to put this Shu lady into a box. I don’t like it, fear and intimidation are my racket.

So you ever heard of Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Me neither. That was, until I turned on the TV the other night and first heard the verbal equivalent of bubbling bong water that comes out of her mouth. Apparently, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a former contestant on Survivor: The Australian Outback, (she lost by the way,) and is now a full time co-host on The View, (which sucks by the way.) So, I’m flippin’ channels, and I see Greta Van Susteren, (a mouthpiece for Scientology,) interviewing Elisabeth Hasselbeck, (a mouthpiece for stupidity.)

For those of you who were lucky enough to not catch her interview last night, I’ll summarize. Basically, this woman opens by saying that millions of Americans are living with Celiac Disease, thinking they have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. She’s sitting here telling the viewers that if they feel tired, irritable, depressed, or they have the runs, forget anything your doctor told you, it’s Celiac Disease, and she just happens to have the cure, her new book, “The G-Free Diet: A Gluten-Free Survival Guide,” which is projected to debut as the #2 best selling book in the nation.

Let’s go over some facts, Celiac Disease is a genetically inherited disorder that destroys your body’s ability to process gluten. Here’s how you tell if you have it. Did your parents have it? No. Were you able to eat a slice of toast without having an unholy storm of liquid stool and pain last week? Yes. Guess what, you don’t have it. The most liberal estimates suggest that only between zero-point-five percent and one percent of people in the United States have any form of Celiac Disease.

Cunt Punt

Now let’s talk about Gluten. Gluten is as American as apple pie, or at least, I should say, you’d have a hard time making an apple pie without it. Gluten accounts for about 80% of the protein contained in wheat seed. It’s what gives wheat it’s defining characteristics, without it, you wouldn’t have bread, or pasta, or anything else worth eating.

Now, if this woman wants to write a book on avoiding gluten for the actual zero-point-five percent of the nation with Celiac Disease, that’s fine, great, in fact, good for her. The problem is, that’s much too small of a target audience. So what does she do instead? She goes around on TV promoting a G-Free diet as the cure for everything from depression to obesity. She goes into details about the “evils” and “detrimental health effects” of eating a food that ninety-nine percent of America consumes on a daily basis.

This woman is so full for crap, that the president of the Celiac Disease foundation (Elaine Monarch) has gone public to say she’s making shit up. While Elaine Monarch did tear her a new one, what Elaine was much too polite and proper to say is that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is an ignorant fearmonger with a book to sale. Well, I’m not polite or proper; Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her “G-Free Diet” are one more reason why Cunt Punt should be an Olympic sporting event.