Seal of Awesomeness: Jim Beam Red Stag

Darian rake — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 03:06:53 +0000

Those of you familiar with the old Drakegta.com (both of you) will remember my old Seal of Awesomeness. The Drakegta.com Seal of Awesomeness is an award so prestigious, that it’s only been awarded twice in the history of the universe, until now. Gentlemen, and gentlemen pretending to be ladies, let me introduce you to the product that will change your life forever: Jim Beam Red Stag.

Now I can hear you already, your over-sized labia are flapping about how ‘Jack is better than Jimmy’ or how ‘Maker’s Mark is the only real whiskey in America,’ or how ‘the best whiskey is Scotch,’ let me tell you right now; shut the fuck up. I’m talking about a product so amazing, that if it doesn’t improve your life on the first day, I’ll double your money back, and I can make that guarantee, because I am not affiliated with the company in anyway and I don’t stand behind my promises in any way, shape, or form.

Jim Beam Red Stag

Jim Beam Red Stag is to whiskey, what Pie is to Cake, better in every way conceivable, and you can believe me, because I know my whiskey. You may not know this, but I come from a long line of ~~moonshiners~~ distillers, and although we don’t talk about why we had to stop distilling, (it involves several cases of sudden blindness and a raid by the FBI), the Drake family knows about whiskey. That’s why, when I tell you that Jim Beam Red Stag is the best thing you’ll ever put in your mouth, I can speak with at least 90% certainty, because the only thing better then Red Stag, would be a big juicy t-bone steak, marinated in Jim Beam Red Stag.

I shit you not man, whatever you’re drinking right now, pour that shit down the drain, get up, and go buy a bottle of Red Stag, your mouth will thank you, your liver will hate your guts. Remember that scene from Animal House where Belushi chugs an entire bottle of JD and throws it through a car window? This shit is so good, you’ll be doing the same thing. Really, it’s fucking whiskey, and it taste fucking awesome.

Belushi in Animal House

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Seal of Awesomeness: Jim Beam Red Stag