drakegta.com » WWOMMDD?: What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?

WWOMMDD?: Vengeful in Vancouver

Old Man McDrake — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:01:15 +0000

Old Man McDrake, you won’t believe this shit. I’m forty-two right, and this forty-eight year-old guy I was dating moved in with me, everything was good for aboot a year. Aboot two months ago, he told me he was leaving me for a younger woman, that was upsetting enough, until I find out that this younger woman is my eighteen year-old daughter, who has recently moved out of my house, and moved in with him. Wait, wait, it gets better, she moved into a flat with him; but she didn’t take her husband and two kids, who all still live with me. I thought maybe this was a joke, or it would only last a couple of weeks, but it been two months, and my daughter still sends me texts about the great sex she’s having with my boyfriend. What the fuck? I mean seriously McDrake, what the hell would you do? I’m thinking aboot taking a hockey stick to the whole lot of them.

Vengeful in Vancouver

Damn, Vengeful, I didn’t know they had trailer parks in Canada. *Burn* Well, first off, don’t over react, this could work out well for you; the first thing I would do, is talk to Jerry Springer, and see if maybe you can make some money off this mess. Seriously, email him at jerry.fan@nbcuni.com, I think he’d like to hear from you. The most amazing thing, this woman, left her husband and kids, and ran off with your boyfriend? What kind cunt does that? I don’t even know where to start here.

Well, to repair you relationship with your daughter- no wait, that won’t work.

Well if the husband is a nice guy then- no, that won’t work either.

I guess if the jerk ran off with your daughter- no, that’s no right.

If she’s still sending you texts she’s just doing to get attentio- no, it’s beyond that.

You know what, you win, break out with the hockey stick and go all Wayne Gretzky on their asses, they all have it coming. No better yet, fuck Wayne Gretzky, go all Casey Jones on them, old school Ninja Turtles style.

Casey Jones is about to 'Play Ball' with your Skull.

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WWOMMDD?: Waffleless in Carlsbad

Old Man McDrake — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:52:13 +0000

Mr. McDrake, I had an interesting experience, on a recent trip to Carlsbad Caverns, something happened in the hotel. I got up early, and ran down to get the free continental breakfast, and I lined up to get a waffle, because frankly, waffles are the shit. I started a waffle cooking, and before it finished, my five-year-old kid took off running out of the room (the way five-year-olds are known to do.) I chase her down, and by the time I come back, some asshole hipster with a “Bullet for My Valentine” tee-shirt is guarding my waffle and has decided it’s his. So I wait, being the nice guy that I am, and when my waffle finishes, he puts it on a plate for himself, and starts cooking another, also for himself. Him and his hipster girlfriend (in a Ramones shirt) eat about four waffles a piece, guarding the waffle maker so no one else can get any, and then cook about six more waffles that they take with them when they leave. Long story short, I didn’t get a waffle, and I left pissed off and hungry. What would you have done?
Darrian rake

Darrian rake, well, since shithead hipster obviously loves waffles so much, you should have made a waffle for him, out of his face. I’m not talking about holding his head in the waffle maker, that’s non-sense. I mean, you should have waited outside, and used your ass stompin’ boots (you do own a pair of ass stompin’ boots right?) to leave a waffle like pattern on his forehead. Second off, while you’re curb stompin’ Mr. “Bullet for my emo kid” his girlfriend in the Ramones shirt, (she obviously has the better taste in music,) would appreciate your awesome display of manliness, and the welcome change of seeing a man who doesn’t have a bigger pussy than she does, so you and her could run off and do the “Blitzkrieg Bop” back in the room, while his sissy ass is “Suffocating Under Words of Sorrow.”

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WWOMMDD?: Not So Placid Lake House

Old Man McDrake — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 22:39:32 +0000

Mr. McDrake, I have a problem. A friend of mine keeps insisting we go vacation with him in his lake house. The problem is his lake house is a collapsing dilapidated run down shack next to a part of the lake that’s infested with bugs. The truth is, it’s a miserable place, and a vacation spent here would actually be a nightmare. I don’t want to offend this guy, What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?
Troubled in Texarkana.

Mr. Troubled, you’re not only risking fucking up a friendship, you’re missing out. Here’s what I would do: go out on the lake and have a good time. If your friend’s vacation home isn’t good enough for your family, leave them the hell at home, take a vacation without them, you’ll probably have more fun anyway. Let me provide you with the basic program… Don’t be a sissy. “Boo hoo hoo, my friend’s house isn’t the fucking Hilton.” Light up some cheap cigars to smoke the bugs out, and do what you’re supposed to do at a lake house…

10 drink yourself senseless 20 pass out 30 wake up and go out on the lake 40 drink while you fish 50 maybe you catch something, maybe not 60 come back home 70 drink yourself senseless 80 goto 20

Remember the first rule of vacations: “If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re not drinking enough.”
Also remember the second rule of vacations: “You can vacate at home, every night.”

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Introducing Old Man McDrake

Old Man McDrake — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:53:22 +0000

You know what we’ve been missing here at drakegta.com? Talent, well, talent, and an advice columnist. So in order to fill this gap, we have recruited the most sought after advise columnist on the face of the earth, a man sought after by authorities in twenty-eight states and four municipalities, Old Man McDrake. Old Man McDrake is a wise and wizened old man, full of wisdom. Because we realize that the vast majority of people are mindless sheep, who can’t make decisions for themselves, we now offer that service for you.

Old Man McDrake will be doing our new columns, “AOMM: Ask Old Man McDrake” “WWOMMDD?: What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?“, and “WYHT?: Would You Hit That?”

If you have an inquiry for Old Man McDrake, feel free ask in the comments, or to drop us a line.