Hey pizanos, it’s the Big Don Drakoni Super Show, hosted by me, Raphael Michael Jason Cornelius Drakoni of Roseto the third; your host. I want to share a story with you, a regular Greek tragedy, and I’m not talking about the movie Troy. I’m talking about an unfortunate girl named Kimberley Vlaminck, who feel asleep, and woke up with fifty-six stars tattooed on her face, just like sleeping beauty, but without the princess, or the prince, and with a tattoo gun.

So picture this, it’s young Kimberley’s eighteenth birthday, and her dad, being the cool guy that he is, agrees to let his daughter get a tattoo, because it’s family tradition. Well, Kimberley is so excited by the prospect of getting her first tattoo, that as soon as the needle touches her skin, she falls asleep. Dear ol’ dad is waiting outside eating ice cream, while sleeping Kimberley gets her pretty face violated by a big burley tattoo artist, fifty-six times. Kimberley woke up only when the tattooist was inking her nose, that one tattoo somehow being more painful then the other fifty-five. She goes outside, and sees that her dad is none too happy about the facial tramp stamps. The two return inside and refuse to pay for their ink work; on the basis that Kimberley didn’t want fifty-six stars on her face, only three, which means that she has fifty-three too many. Poor Kimberley’s life is ruined, because, with only three facial tattoos her future would have been wide open, but with fifty-six stars on her face, she is doomed to live on the street and eat out of garbage cans, a social pariah.

Does it sound too strange to be true? Well, if it does, you can read about it by clicking any of these words. I tell you, that’s despicable, any tattoo artist willing to tattoo the fuck out of a young brunette’s face, when she’s shit faced drunk (the article never mentions that she was drunk, but one has to assume that you have to be awfully drunk to fall asleep during a facial tattoo) is a crook in my book.

One has to look at the facts here. We have a girl claiming that she fell asleep and got tattoos on her face she that never asked for. Then we have a tattoo artist claiming she was wide awake and loved her tattoos until her dad saw them.

Obviously someone is lying, and it’s obviously the tattoo guy. Think about it, who stands to gain something here? The girl lying would hurt her reputation, as an honest upstanding citizen who goes into a tattoo joint for a facial tattoo while stone drunk. No, the only one who had anything to gain from this was the burly tattoo stud, who obviously had evil intentions. If this girl has a face covered in facial tattoos, it severely limits the number of places she can work, in fact, it limits it to one, at a tattoo parlor. That’s it, this crazy tattoo bastard (Rouslan Toumaniantz,) must have thought if he inked on her face, she would have to work in his shop, and slowly fall in love with and marry him, like Harry met Sally, but less romantic, and with more drunken beatings. It’s the only logical explanation.

Rouslan Toumaniantz, you are a twisted fuck, leaving your ink all over that young lady’s face. Kimberley Vlaminck, you are a real winner, shine on you crazy star.

UPDATE: Holy crap, check it out, this is a photo of Rouslan Toumaniantz. But more importantly, Rouslan Toumaniantz (The Burly Tattoo Stud) has agreed to pay for Kim-bo’s laser surgery, not because he did anything wrong, he has a witness to prove his side, but because he doesn’t want to have an unsatisfied customer.

Also of note, is this wonderful quote: “Jules Clocher, a Belgian psychologist, said: ‘The trauma this girl must be feeling is indescribable. She feels like a circus freak – and no wonder, because she looks like one.’” Oh snap, health professional burn!