Mr. McDrake, I have a problem. A friend of mine keeps insisting we go vacation with him in his lake house. The problem is his lake house is a collapsing dilapidated run down shack next to a part of the lake that’s infested with bugs. The truth is, it’s a miserable place, and a vacation spent here would actually be a nightmare. I don’t want to offend this guy, What Would Old Man McDrake Do (while) Drunk?
Troubled in Texarkana.

Mr. Troubled, you’re not only risking fucking up a friendship, you’re missing out. Here’s what I would do: go out on the lake and have a good time. If your friend’s vacation home isn’t good enough for your family, leave them the hell at home, take a vacation without them, you’ll probably have more fun anyway. Let me provide you with the basic program… Don’t be a sissy. “Boo hoo hoo, my friend’s house isn’t the fucking Hilton.” Light up some cheap cigars to smoke the bugs out, and do what you’re supposed to do at a lake house…

10 drink yourself senseless
20 pass out
30 wake up and go out on the lake
40 drink while you fish
50 maybe you catch something, maybe not
60 come back home
70 drink yourself senseless
80 goto 20

Remember the first rule of vacations: “If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re not drinking enough.”
Also remember the second rule of vacations: “You can vacate at home, every night.”

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