Mr. McDrake, I had an interesting experience, on a recent trip to Carlsbad Caverns, something happened in the hotel. I got up early, and ran down to get the free continental breakfast, and I lined up to get a waffle, because frankly, waffles are the shit. I started a waffle cooking, and before it finished, my five-year-old kid took off running out of the room (the way five-year-olds are known to do.) I chase her down, and by the time I come back, some asshole hipster with a “Bullet for My Valentine” tee-shirt is guarding my waffle and has decided it’s his. So I wait, being the nice guy that I am, and when my waffle finishes, he puts it on a plate for himself, and starts cooking another, also for himself. Him and his hipster girlfriend (in a Ramones shirt) eat about four waffles a piece, guarding the waffle maker so no one else can get any, and then cook about six more waffles that they take with them when they leave. Long story short, I didn’t get a waffle, and I left pissed off and hungry. What would you have done?
Darrian rake

Darrian rake, well, since shithead hipster obviously loves waffles so much, you should have made a waffle for him, out of his face. I’m not talking about holding his head in the waffle maker, that’s non-sense. I mean, you should have waited outside, and used your ass stompin’ boots (you do own a pair of ass stompin’ boots right?) to leave a waffle like pattern on his forehead. Second off, while you’re curb stompin’ Mr. “Bullet for my emo kid” his girlfriend in the Ramones shirt, (she obviously has the better taste in music,) would appreciate your awesome display of manliness, and the welcome change of seeing a man who doesn’t have a bigger pussy than she does, so you and her could run off and do the “Blitzkrieg Bop” back in the room, while his sissy ass is “Suffocating Under Words of Sorrow.”

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